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World Secret Crush Championships 2005

Rich Cerow

I, like most men, do not pick up on hints well. When you lovely ladies are playing it coy and sly, I am thoroughly oblivious to your intentions. And, thus, I am sure untold thousands of possible meaningful, long-lasting relationships have slipped past me. But, to make lemons into lemonade, I have spun this to my advantage by founding the Universal Professional Secret Crush and Their Admirers Associated League (UPSCTAAL).
This girl definitely has a secret crush on you. You should call her.
The League, as us members call it, is currently gearing up for the World Secret Crush Championships 2005. The rules are simple:
  1. Each girl you discover had a secret crush on you at some point that she never acted on because she was waiting for your ignorant behind to get in gear and make a move is worth 1 point.
  2. You can have had no prior knowledge of said secret crush, and discovery must be made during the prescribed championship timeframe.
  3. There is a partial point system for secret crushes which everyone else was painfully aware of and yet you still managed to be blissfully unaware. Actually, wait a minute, that should be worth more points. Cause you are dominating things remaining a secret.

Also, there is a race around the world via hot air balloons, starting at the stroke of noon from Town Square in Lafayette, Indiana. All contestants are required to have handlebar mustaches and wear those Sherlock Holmes-type hats. Those really are the best hats for a race around the world. Also, there might be a pantaloons requirement, but that is still being debated by our panel of expert judges (including Scott Baio, who I swear never gets tired of Charles in Charge-related puns).

So, if you’re a lady with a secret crush on me, harkening back years that has slowly been eating away at you while you write, over and over again on your Trapper Keeper “Mrs. Rich Cerow, esq.,” and you want to help me get an early lead, feel free to e-mail me your name, phone number, and a current picture at Any eligible participants are also encouraged to contact me for sign-up information.

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