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Newest - Highway to Hell - DREEEEEEW!
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Who Rocks Harder: Robin Hood or King Auther?
Jim Jenista
Robin Hood and King Auther are both ye olde dudes of England, which has
produced many great rocking heroes over the years. These two are the stuff
of legends so there is plenty of material for judging their bass-amp-litudes.
Buckle on your breastplate and join this quest to find a ring that will reveal
While King Richard the Lionheart was leading the
Crusades, his brother, a lion, was like,
"Rohray Raggy, Ri'll run rhe ringrom."
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the location of a mirror that will show us whether Robin Hood or King Auther
had the hottest girlfriend. Which is not actually equivalent to who rocks
harder but I will consider the "gf sub hot" factor intently before judging.
There are about five thousand Robin Hood movies, shows, shorts, novels,
coloring books and toy-sets. I will assume every one of these depictions is
historically accurate. They almost all tell us that Robin of the Hood was an
outlaw that robbed from the rich, gave to the poor, shot sheriffs, loved Bob
Marley, and fell madly in love with green. A little known fact I
uncovered--Robin Hood was actually a fox.
Easily the most accurate portrayal of Robin Hood is the seminal film Prince
of Thieves. On a side note many historians still have beef with the movie’s
conclusions so they prompted the production of a cinematic counter-point,
Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Clearly Mr. Hood knew how to fight and brought
all the diverse characters around him, Muslims, bandits and friars, to unite under
his leadership and help him get Maid Marian in the sack. These are the hallmarks
of a true hero.
Kevin Costner as Robin Hood.
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King Arthur is another story all together. This gung-ho adventurer got an
awesome sword from a babe in a lake which he used to win underground swordplay
tournaments. It was the sweetest sword in English history, Excalinasty. A knight
named Galahad was pitted against Arthur to the death, but the two of them realized
at a noble level that betting on sword fights is evil so they banded together to
slay all of the dragons that originally set up the black circuit. This is how the
Knights of the Round Table got started--Arthur would carve a circle with twelve stab
wounds into his victims; he quickly gripped Briton in an iron fist of fear.
Athrur was ridiculously wanton, which you would know first hand if you have played
King Arthur’s World on SNES. He was constantly sending Merlin, his right hand man who
had magic fingers, on strange quests for shrubs or ‘shrooms. Guinevere, his smokin’
hot queen, also was wild and crazy and probably messed up the entire country when she
and Lancelot had an affair. King Arthur was distraught and wrote a musical called
Camelot to try and cheer him self up. It wasn’t very funny so he obeyed warrior king
tradition and had an anvil with a sword thrust through it dropped on his head.
Arthur! Stay in the tent! At least don't take the
spike-trapped boardwalk!
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It’s really a tough call here. Robin of the Hood was merry and partied all the time
while King Arthur was so brave his posse consisted entirely of guys that had had body
parts chopped off. I think the only way to resolve this conflict is to have them duke
it out. Drawing on the finer points of military strategy gleaned from many sessions of
Scorched Earth, it will be easy to deduce how their battle would have played out:
Phase 1 -- King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table take the field in
traditional English fashion by lining up in tight rows with really bright clothes on.
Robin Hood misses the opportunity to shoot fish in a barrel because he must wake the
Merry Men from their hangovers.
Phase 2 -- King Arthur raises a trumpet to his lips and charges a hill.
He meets heavy Nazi resistance. Robin of Locksley finally waltzes onto the battlefield
sporting sleek tights.
Phase 3 -- Robin of the Hood checks his supply lines and requests a fresh
squad to form a flanking battalion. This appears to be his final mistake when Arthur
commands Merlin to cast
Knights of the Round
and deals 9,999 damage to Robin Hood a staggering 13 times. Prince Robin has but one hit point left.
Phase 4 -- Our heroes lock gazes. Arthur raises Excalibur to the sky, "You’re not a
king, or even a real prince!" Robin Hood shoots him in the heart. Easily. "Arthur, you
couldn't find the Holy Grail if it was nailed to your visor."
Bow > sword, mano a mano.
I almost called the fight right there. However, as stated earlier, Maid Marian and
Guinevere must play red hands in
the bonus round.
Guinevere Knightly is clearler the cooler girlfriend.
There is nothing left to do. The solution is obvious. Time to call it...
Robin Hood and King Arthur Rock Crazy Hard!
Since there is so much controversy over the Robin/Arthur rock ratio I will debate further evidence
on the message board. And if my command
of history and strategy has overwhelmed you with awe,
you may post Commander-in-Chief positions for me there as well.
All editions of Who Rocks Harder?
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