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Who Rocks Harder: King Henry VIII or King Louis XIV?

Jim Jenista

Just like any other measure of human quality, there are strata of rockers that the vast majority of us will barely understand. Rocking in the olden days at the royal level was like wielding an Ireland-sized guitar on stage at the European Theatre, with the lives of nations hanging on the outcome of your supersonic solo. Plus, when they gave names out in sixteenth century, there were only about six that blew off top hats. In the whole country it was the one guy who could scream “Muuuuuuuuuutha!” loud enough to knock down buildings that got to be called “Edward the Fourth.” And out of this group of imperials, King Louis the XIV and King Henry the VIII were nothing less than totally radical. So, just as man has asked since the day those monkeys beat on that monolith with some bones, “Which of these dudes rocks so much harder that the other dude’s eardrums would be shattered in a rock-off?”
Henry posed the same way for 18 hours every day in case the paparazzi jumped out of bushes to paint him.

King ‘enry the VIII was the front man for the Band of England. He dabbled in music, but left most of the technical work to experts while increasing the band’s reputation by getting tons of chicks. In fact, he was so hardcore about image that when Anne Boleyn publicly claimed the band was about to break up over his refusals to bathe on the road, Henry cut her head off with a katana blade. The whole incident was hot on the heels of the king’s bold move to create a new Church of England just to divorce his previous wife, Catherine of Wimbledon.

That Church business truly came to a head with the wildly controversial “No Popes Allowed” clause. Back in 1521, the Pope had favored Henry with the “Defender of the Faith” honor and had even voted for him after his induction into the Holy League as “Rookie King of the Year.” But the two had a falling out and the Catholics couldn’t regain Henry’s belt before he died during history’s only military campaign/concert tour of France. He lived like a true rock star and offended enough people to make front page headlines for centuries. Magnificó.
Exactly how the Sun King should pose. Nice little pantaloons, too. Or, as they say in France, "le panties."

Then there was Louis “French Fry Guy” the XIV. He toiled to whip France into shape by reforming stuff and telling everyone “I am the state.” Since nobody really understood what he was trying to do, Lou got smart and threw raging wine and cheese tastings at Versailles that only required obedience in lieu of cover. After that it was easy to convince the populace to fight wars all over the place giving Monsieur XIV ample opportunities to shout wailing battle cries like “I have more Roman numerals in my name than your king!” As such, he was immensely popular and somebody was nice enough to give him the sun for Christmas one year.

Since Louis didn’t eat in England very often he was definitely in better rocking shape than ol’ Henry (who can jam after a helping of toad-in-the-hole?). And he left behind a fertile legacy so it’s safe to assume he rocked hard under the covers, too. In the end, Henry earned notoriety but Louis straight up rocked and did it with style. You might say Louis “Tudored” King Henry something good! So…

King Louis XIV Rocks Harder!

It’s difficult to appreciate the progress monarchs made back then since their position was approximately that of Bush, Greenspan, Gates, and a baby all mixed together. In an effort to show the world how these monarchies could have succeeded eternally had a truly benevolent dictator been at the helm, e-mail me at for instructions on how to become a citizen of the country I’m starting in the park near my apartment complex this summer.

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