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Newest - Highway to Hell - DREEEEEEW!
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Who Rocks Harder: Richard Dean Anderson or Scott Bakula?
Jim Jenista
Right off the bat you might think the outcome of this edition of Who Rocks Harder? will be
settled over my preference for “MacGyver” or “Quantum Leap,” but let’s leave the big guns for last.
I prefer to kick this one off with haircuts.
I’ve heard from many ladies that Scott Bakula is a stud muffin and sporting a relaxed, feathered
doo neatly ties his hot bod to a gregarious disposition. If you’re in doubt about the man’s physique
just watch the “Quantum Leap” where he leaps into a monkey and has to run around in a diaper for most
of the episode.
From a strictly follicle perspective, though, there aren’t many arrangements of hair
as magnificent as Richard’s flowing locks. It’s like his cranium is a hair volcano that has erupted
golden magma. Magnificent.
That being said, let’s skip ahead to what these cats are up to lately. Scott Bakula played Captain
Jonathan Archer on “Enterprise” so we can safely say he’s been doing well amongst the company of titans
(Patrick Stewart and William Shatner, etc).
Our man Anderson was a general of some kind on one or more
of those Stargate shows that I’m pretty sure no one has ever seen. And he cut his hair, so as far as
I’m concerned he’s dead to me.
And from that I suppose the battle of wailitude between Richard Dean Anderson and Scott Bakula must
be decided based on their respective involvements with the monumentally awesome television programs
“MacGyver” and “Quantum Leap.” Let’s see who would’ve filled your eardrums with more brain-melting
shockwaves of rock if they had gone head to head in their heyday.
“Quantum Leap” was a show about the time machine Scott Bakula built to “leap” into the bodies of
women and monkeys. It was definitely rooted in science fiction but mainly revolved around him trying
to understand the plight of the person he had just become so he could alter the course of history for
good. Then, when his duty was done he’d leap again, always hoping “the next leap would be the leap home.”
I think there was an episode when he leaped into Marilyn Monroe and purposely tried not to do anything
helpful so he could stare at himself in the mirror all day. Anyway, the whole concept would have been
unbearably boring if the rest of the scientists in the future hadn’t figured out how to send a projection
of “Al” back in time to Scott that only he could see.
This time Dr. Sam Beckett has leaped into Sylvester Stalone and
has to try and keep him from doing sequels to Rocky.
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I won’t get into the physics of it because it
requires about a dozen quadratic equations but the hardest part to understand is why they sent a bizarre,
cigar-smoking putz who wore ridiculous suits to help Bakula instead of another scientist. Al would use
a Lite-Brite crossed with a remote control to communicate with Ziggy, their super-computer from the future
(we can tell the remote never worked because it always made “ZZOOoop” sounds and Al had to smack it a lot
to get information). His main job on the show was to tell Scott that “Ziggy says there’s a 0.013% chance
you’re going make it, Scott.” And so they would work together to fix the lives of various Joe Schmoe’s,
all the while making sure Sam Beckett (that’s his character I think) was looking good in a variety of
flattering outfits. My favorite episode was when he leaped into Count Bakula.
Richard Dean Anderson was “MacGyver” and the tagline of the show says it all: “Part boy-scout. Part
genius. All hero.” Richard Dean worked for the Phoenix Foundation, an organization with an unclear purpose
that for some reason paid MacGyver to get locked in warehouses and break out by building a rocket from the
fire extinguisher and several cigarette butts. He hated violence and never killed anyone, even Murdoc, who
tried to kill him at least twenty times by cleverly leading him into booby-trapped wax museums. I think the
best part about the show is that it ostensibly promoted science but actively rotted my brain as a child.
MacGyver just built a laser out of a highly reflective piece
of granite and his shoelaces.
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I once tried to duct tape five four-by-fours together into a single-seat, pedal-powered helicopter like in
the episode where Anderson escapes from the Columbian drug lords but it only got me injured and grounded for
a week. Yet I wanted to be MacGyver and carried a pocket knife with me at all times dying for the chance to
stop a rogue nuclear missile by cutting a hole in a carton of orange juice and adding a Pixie Stick to blow
the lock off of the launch control box. The opportunities didn’t present themselves, but looking back on
it, I do believe this show made me the man I am today.
This one’s pretty close, but let’s wrap it up. Even though Mr. Bakula probably got more winks from the
ladies, he needed a Simon and an old man to do long division whereas RDA calculated pi in his head
one time to get out of a car trunk. Sorry Dr. Beckett but,
Richard Dean Anderson Rocks Harder!
Until next time friends, keep it locked on WRHQ, where the Q stands for question mark.
All editions of Who Rocks Harder?
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