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Newest - Highway to Hell - DREEEEEEW!
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Who Rocks Harder: Han Solo or Indiana Jones?
Jim Jenista
But they’re the same guy! Well Harrison Ford did bring both of these characters to life with his easy
charm and rugged good looks. True. But is the space rogue with feathered locks blowing more holes
in the roof of Rock’s House than an academic-by-day, Nazi-fighter-by-night archeologist? Let’s break
it down and find out.
Who has better sidekicks? Indy’s main sidekick is the upper-middle class rapscallion
Sallah. He’s a good sidekick because he has resources and talents convenient to the situation (like
how he was contracted by the Nazis at the site of the Lost Ark).
"Chewie! Do not use that kind of language!"
"Brwagwlrah!"
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Ford once played a joke on the crew
by walking on set wearing John Rhys-Davies around his waist like a utility belt. Dr. Indiana Jones
also had the baseball-capped kid who drove the car and knew karate... Temple of Doom was a desert
between oases.
Han Solo has Chewbacca, who is arguably the epitome of sidekicks. He is ridiculously strong and
loyal so you can count on him to watch Han’s back and carry his weight in a fight. He doesn’t talk
much, but when he finally decides to shout in Wooki-ese Solo fills in the audience by answering with
some enlightening remark like “I’m trying, Chewie!” Chewbacca’s perfect because if you need him he’s
there, and when you don’t nobody notices that he isn’t saying anything. You do, however, need him to
throw out an occasional “Glhrrwaghrghl.”
Who gets better chicks? Even though Princess Leia used to flirt with her twin brother she
did wear a gold bikini, and if that vaguely British Imperial general hadn’t blown up Alderon, Leia would
be worth at least $49 billion Galactic Credits (take that, Bill “48” Gates!). Her main flaw is her striking
resemblance to Miss Ice Queen, Universe. Which actually works out well because Solo the Scoundrel gets to
say, “Princess” double-dipped in sarcasm a lot. So Han likes ‘em rich, frosty and feisty, which I can respect.
Stubble = Sexy
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Indy, on the other hand, isn’t exactly a one-gal guy. He’s got What’s Her Cute Face from Raiders of
the Lost Ark with whom
he plays doctor, and that shrieking diva that should’ve had her heart ripped out in the Temple of Doom (good
job on the part of the cult leader who thought to copyright “Temple of Doom” before it was snatched up. But
did he grab the domain name, too? Nothing is more embarrassing than saying “Get more footage of our gruesome
rituals at www.templeofdoom.net” or “www.templeofdoomthewebsite.com.”). And let’s not forget the crème de la
crème, Dr. Elsa Schneider. She looks good, is proficient with firearms, and curls our toes with “Zat’s how
Austrians say goodbye.” (And she redeemed herself in spite of being a Nazi, kinda.) Indy’s got a hit-and-miss
track record for girlfriends, that’s for sure.
Who kicks more tail? Han Solo is my favorite character from Star Wars after R2D2 but he doesn’t
actually kick that much butt. Yeah he shot Greedo—under the table. Yeah he’s got the Millennium Falcon,
but he’s the pilot, not the gunner (which in his ship is much less rockin’ than if we’re talking about Top Gun
where the situation is completely opposite).
Indiana Jones can’t go anywhere without fighting at least 10 guys wearing strikingly similar outfits.
Ten guys in white robes with red turbans, ten guys with olive Nazi uniforms, ten breakdancing koopa troopas,
it doesn’t matter. Serving up tail, medium rare.
This is definitely a tough call. Harrison Ford probably wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold
sweat contemplating this very dilemma. I think the big picture will clear it up, though. Han Solo was
frozen in carbonite and mucked everything up for his friends who had to save him from that burping hole in
the ground. Indiana Jones was (a long time later and far, far away) saving us from voodoo, the Wrath of God,
and Nazis. Still, I can’t forsake Han that easily. Thinking about him stuffing Luke into the guts of a
ton-ton to save his life brings me to the verge of tears. Actually, if he really rocked hard he would have
sung Luke a wailing lullaby that peeled the frost from his face. Therefore,
Indiana Jones Rocks Harder!
Peace and love to all my fly ladies, e-mail me!
All editions of Who Rocks Harder?
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