Newest - Highway to Hell - DREEEEEEW!

What It Means to Wail

Rich Cerow
CC DeVille shreds so hard "FU" spontaneously popped out of his chest.

Congratulations! You have found your way to the very best the internet has to offer (which isn’t saying much, given the competition) – Prepare to have your mind blown, your senses rearranged, and your paradigm shifted, because we are prepared to rock your socks off, and if you’re not wearing socks, you better go put some on or this rockitude will strip the skin from your feet!

Now, you may be asking yourself, “I am fully prepared to have my brains blown out the back of my head and splattered against the wall in a very Jackson Pollock-esque manner by the awesome might of internet rocking, but I am somewhat confused; what does it mean, exactly, to wail?” Well, fortunately I am here to help you. I think it’s safe to assume we all know what it means to wail in the traditional sense – a blazing guitar solo obviously wails, and everyone’s aware of this. I mean, can you listen to C.C. DeVille, when he puts the “power” in “power ballad,” and not know that he is wailing with all he knows how to wail with? No.

What we’re getting at here is wailing in your everyday life. I mean, I walk around and go about my business as if there were a totally shredding, double-tapped, just like “Eruption” Eddie Van Halen solo underscoring my every move. I can spontaneously rock out at any moment, and turn even the most mundane task into an epic struggle between good and evil, fought long ago in a post-apocalyptic wasteland ruled by a magician class bent on crushing the will of the peasants and superceding the rightful heir to the throne. For example, let’s say I’m cooking dinner, and I’m chopping vegetables for a stew. Normally, I just let it pass and get on with making my meal. But the possibility is always there for me to just burst into a totally rocking song about making a stew and slicing vegetables. But it’s not all about music. For instance, let’s say I’m slicing vegetables and suddenly I start swinging my Ginsu like a katana blade, decapitating carrots and mincing potatoes. I think we can all admit that totally wails, too. There’s a spirit and an attitude to wailing that goes beyond just playing the little strings on the guitar blindingly fast while screaming about your girl that left you at the top of your lungs. And it’s this spirit that we here at carry with us at all times.
The fabled land of Asgard. Once, this was home to the Norse Gods, until they witnessed the majesty of rock, at which point they were all turned into pillars of salt and swept away by the Scorpions' "Winds of Change." The Rock Gods who now reside there did let Thor, God of Thunder, live cause that KISS song about him totally wails.

Now you’re probably saying, “Wailing sounds totally radical! How can I wail more in my everyday life just like you guys?,” and for this I have two pieces of advice. First, work on your falsetto. Obviously, the Rock Gods hear you much better when you sing in a ridiculously strained high voice, and are more likely to bestow the majesty of rock on you doing your algebra homework and adding a slice of badassitude on the side if they can confirm that you are screeching about compound fractions. I suggest listening to a lot of Skid Row, and gleaning some tips from the awesome Sebastian Bach’s screech. Secondly, and this part isn’t as easily definable, you need to just start living your life with atti-tude, emphasis on the pause there, cause it let’s people know that this isn’t some ordinary attitude, but a totally rebellious, no respect for the conventions of spelling or syntax atti-dude. See, I don’t even have respect for the conventions I’ve established myself, that’s how much of a rebel I am. And this is how to make it rock in your world.

Finally, and most importantly, you should check back here regularly as we update you on the latest in the world of wailage, and guide you on your quest to rock the faces off your parents, teachers, preachers, and everyone else who’s trying to keep you down. As pillars of wisdom, we’ll continually post the latest news, reviews, and ‘tude you need. If you can handle it. Now get out there and tear and the roof off the sucka.

Hugs and kisses,
Rich Cerow

All Features