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Newest - Highway to Hell - DREEEEEEW!
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Weekly Dose of Thunder #3
World Tour ‘05
Rich Cerow
At the Mötley Crüe concert last night at LA’s Forum (parking=$20.00, $8.75 for a 20 oz. beer), who,
by the way, put on a pretty spectacular show and I heartily recommend, the Mots, of course, got to the point
in their show where they had to play “a couple of new songs we just recorded.” Now, “If I Die Tomorrow” is
not a terrible song, and the other new tune that I’d never heard before was aggressively non-descript but
certainly inoffensive, but still I somehow sincerely doubt that anyone in that audience had been just dying
for one of the new cuts as opposed to, say, “Shout at the Devil” (which blew the roof off that mother). In
fact, the whole shindig was pretty much a microcosm for everything that can go wrong at a concert. Some of
those things are, in no particular order:
The Encore: Ha! I’m starting at the end! Bet you didn’t see that one coming! Anyway, are encores
some kind of anachronism that I’m just totally unaware of? A holdover from the days when people genuinely
clamored for more but were uncertain that they’d get it? Or are there actually people out there who genuinely
believe that, when the band says good night but the houselights don’t come on, they might not be coming back
out? So, like Tinkerbell, you have to believe, and clap really hard for that band to come out and play those
three more songs. “Well, I can’t believe that AC/DC didn’t play ‘You Shook Me…’ [comically, like Scooby-Doo]
Whuuuh? They’re back! I can’t believe it! And they’re closing with their biggest hit!” Must, for the sake
of these few in the audience who aren’t familiar with the tropes of rock concert attendance, sit in the stank
and dark of a concert hall, after a pretty exhausting couple of hours, and wait those three minutes to hear
the two songs that everyone in the audience came to hear anyway? Yes, KISS are gonna play “Rock and Roll All
Nite,” after this short break…
This is a typical heavy metal audience. Note the diversity.
The White-Guy Sway: This became obvious during “Home Sweet Home” (which is a totally killer power
ballad, by the way. I especially like that Tommy Lee gets to tickle those ivories at the beginning – he may
rock hard and drink and party all day and night, but deep down he wants you to know that he’s really just a
dreamer, looking for a girl like you to settle down with and believe in him, because some day soon, girl, we’ll
be off this long and winding road and back in your arms, where I can fall asleep forever. Insert a soaring guitar
solo here, just to remind you that we’re not all soppy balladeers, we still remember how to rock! We know what
got us kicking down this dusty road in the first place). You know what I’m talking about, the putting the arms
over everybody’s shoulders, with really drunk guys starting to bawl just a little bit, cause they love you, man,
and everybody does that arrhythmic motioning back and forth. Is this supposed to constitute as close as painfully
white audiences can get to dancing (and trust me, the heavy metal concert has a painfully white audience. Pretty
ugly, too)? And why the arms around each other, as a sign of solidarity or something? Am I so overcome by
the emotion of this world-weary tale from the lonely road that I spontaneously start hugging strangers? Also,
the guy next to you never seems to be able to get coordinated enough to sway in time with everybody else, so he
ends up shoving his elbows in your ribs the whole time. That guy needs to start listening to more R&B and get a
little smoove.
The (Aforementioned) Requisite Songs From the New Album: AKA the bathroom break / beer run. Especially
for older acts, do they genuinely believe that anyone wants to hear their new tunes? No, you’re the Stones, get to
“Satisfaction” already! As a matter of fact. Why do these bands record new albums at all? Are they thinking, “Well,
if you loved Exile on Main Street, just wait’ll you hear Bridges to Babylon!” You can’t tell me that bands are
that ignorant of the fact that they’re well past their prime. Besides, I can’t imagine it’s profitable to continue
to record these albums.
This guy is undoubtedly singing about elves and dragons and dwarves and Battle
for All Time and the Staff of Mjorlinin which could destroy them all...or save the human race!
There's probably also something about Valhalla in there. It features a keyboard solo after the third verse.
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Clearly, a lot of money needs to be spent to put a record together, and then nobody goes out
and buys the new album (and even when people do, there is absolutely no catalog market for these things). But,
getting back to the main thrust here, the real problem. Fine, .38 Special wants to put out a new record, I can
happily ignore it and listen to my old copy of “Hold On Loosely.” But, when you’re a captive audience at a concert
and you’re forcibly subjected to whatever the latest crap-fest from the venerable artist you’ve paid good money to
see, that’s when it becomes a problem. Oh, and you know there is absolutely no possible way any of the songs off the
new record will be featured on the next tour. Even the musicians know they’re terrible (although, it is always nice
when they ask you if it’s okay if they play a new one. At least they admit that nobody wants to hear, but please,
just sit still for a couple of minutes and we’ll get right back to banging out “Keep on Lovin’ You.”)
Opening Acts: In the history of music, I don’t think opening acts have ever done well. I mean, the best
they can hope for is complete indifference from an audience there to see the headliners. At worst, they get booed
and have bottles thrown at them. So, what’s the point? To earn fervent enemies for life? I understand the theory
of exposure, that the opening acts will gain some new fans by being exposed to an audience that might not normally
ever hear them, but in practice, I have never seen this work. Mostly I just see bands playing while people are still
outside in the beer lines (or the parking lot), or those who are inside are making idle chit-chat and killing time
before the real act gets on stage. The Crüe admirably forewent (?) an opening act, opting instead for a short
claymation film starring the band members as intrepid heroes on a mission to save the earth from impending doom.
It involved a lot of swearing.
These are just a few of the myriad problems associated with attending live performances, which is why form now
on I will be ingesting all my entertainment while encased snugly in a hyperbolic chamber with the bones of the Elephant
Man. If you wish to reach me, e-mail at rich@xtremewailing.com
and gripe to me about the other horrors of the
concert-going experience.
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