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Gonna Have a TV Party Tonight

Rich Cerow

ATTENTION ALL TELEVISION EXECUTIVES: Obviously I write for this website, as well as a side gig writing romance novels under then pseudonym Antoin LaFoyer, but I do have dreams of expanding my media empire into other mediums, and primary on that list is television. So I thought I’d take this opportunity to address all you high-powered moguls out there who eagerly anticipate my updates by presenting just a small fraction of the multitude of ideas for TV shows that I’ve come up with over the past couple of decades. But be forewarned, as some of these ideas could change the face of television forever, and may just make you immediately quit your job because you know you will never be as talented as me. So make sure you’ve got a good severance package before reading any further.
  • Oh Snap! – The Insult Show: This is a game show in which two contestants, preferably from The Streets, take turns insulting each other until an audible “Oh Snap!” arises from the audience. This will determine the winner. Obviously, you can’t plant a “snap”-per in the audience and win right away. We’ll have a panel of celebrity judges on hand to determine if it was a genuine “Oh, snap!” these judges will include David Hasselhoff, the girl who played Mindy on Mork and Mindy, and Charo. She’s up for anything.

  • Next up is show about a trio of vampires who form a hip-hop crew. It’s called Sucka MCs.

  • This is a cool pizza logo that we can put in the window of the pizzeria, to constantly remind the audience that the show takes place in a pizzeria.
    Spicy Meatballs: A sitcom featuring two twenty-something guys who have to help out one of the dudes grandpa’s running his pizza shop cause he got sick (but not sad sick, just “too sick to work even though on the show he’s totally functioning and there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with him”). They live in New York City and are always trying to meet girls or get rich quick, and the grandpa is a broad Italian stereotype who, while hard on them and oftentimes fed up with their harebrained schemes (the friend of the guy who’s grandpa it is always has some new trick for meeting women, like turning the pizzeria into a dance club one night or using the ovens to bake pottery and turn the pizzeria into a pottery class/pizza parlor), always comes through for them in the end with some solid advice “from the old country.” The guy who’s grandpa it is is the dependable one, and there’s a girl who comes in regularly and zings him for having no ambition while she writes her novel in the corner. Eventually they will fall in love and we’ll ruin the sexual chemistry on the show. Then it’s a quick slide from the height of mediocrity we’d reached.

  • Baby Ninjas: This is a kids show about CGI babies (like the one from Ally McBeal) who not only can dance but are also ninjas. They are in a constant battle with The Womb, a collective of telepathic fetuses bent on world domination. Obviously, during the course of their battles with placenta-fueled robo-dinosaurs, they make plenty of quips referencing popular culture, which is funny because a baby wouldn’t know about any of that stuff. Like when one kicks a door in and says “Here’s Johnny!” even though he’s obviously never seen The Shining (and the fact that the children watching this show will not get that at all).

  • This is the Captain who will play the Captain and possibly perform on the Christmas episode when there's an office party, after much cajoling by his co-workers to get up to the piano. Also pictured: Tenille.
    The Old Chief: This one will have to be a spin-off of an existing show, like CSI or Law & Order, and what we do is take the gruff but lovable chief from that show and, instead of following the hotshot young cop who breaks all the rules and gives him guff all the time (and even though they don’t see eye to eye and get on each other’s nerves, there’s still love at the core of that relationship, like a father and a son), we see what the Old Chief does with his day. From power lunching with a City Councilman to an afternoon of 9 holes with an old college drinking buddy to mountains and mountains of paperwork, its dynamic bureaucratic action at its best! A non-stop thrill ride! A new kind of hero, equal parts sage and curmudgeon! Watch out hotshot rookie, you’ve got a stern talking to headed your way! This fall on CBS!

  • Attractive People Sleeping with Each Other: This show follows the loves and loss of a group of six “friends” all living in New York City and at various points in the series, all eventually sleeping with each other. Except this time one of them is black! Take that, homogenized TV landscape.

  • O’Hannigan & Co.: This is another cop show, except this one has a twist: every week Det. John O’Hannigan gets a new partner. Sometimes it’s some rookie fresh out of the academy who he needs to toughen up, other times it’s a sexy female officer who he can have a brief but passionate affair with when the pressures of the job get too much for them and they find solace in each other’s arms. He’s grizzled, a hard-boiled veteran with a past, on a quest for redemption after having let his little girl die all those years ago, which led to his drinking problem, the dissolution of his marriage, and his falling out with the Catholic faith he was raised with, which used to provide him so much hope and solidity. But beneath that spiny exterior we know that he’s a loving, caring person just trying to make it in a hard, cold world. And we can identify with that. The Captain will be played by The Captain from The Captain & Tenille.
So, that’s it, high-powered TV executives, a crumb from the great cookie of ideas I have floating around in my head. If any of these interest you, and you want to give me oodles of cash for them, drop me a line at rich@xtremewailing.com. I also accept Visa and Mastercard.


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