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Tetris: The Movie

Rich Cerow

"Walls go up as walls come down -- Tetris: The Movie."

Hello again, high-powered movie execs who regularly read this site for exciting new film and television ideas and yet never seem to cut me a check when their show takes off (Wilmer Valderrama, I'm looking at you - his Yo Mama on MTV is clearly a rip-off of my , the description of which can be found here). I'm here with another one of my guaranteed blockbuster ideas, sure to net you some cool as cucumbers millions and a date to the Oscars.

I like to think I'm tapped into the youth market, and I'm hep to what the kids are into these days. Those Mutie Samurai Turtles are all the rage and whatnot, but what's really got the kids going these days is video games. And there hasn't been a bigger game, played by more people the world over, than Tetris. And that's just what this movie'd be about - people coming together, uniting in their love for little blocks combining together in straight lines. Come, let me take you on a magical journey, one in which simple geometric shapes are sometimes enough to unite the world. I'm sure by the time I'm done, you'll all be frothing at the mouth to purchase my pitch for the unofficial sequel, Snood: The Game My College Roommate Couldn't Stop Playing and I Wanted to Shoot Him Over.

The year is 1989. A game, soon to be packaged with Nintendo's new handheld system the Game Boy, rises up from America's Worst Enemy, Communist Russia, to unite the world. Much like when a player eliminates four lines at once and completes a Tetris, watching a vast swath of blocks crumble, so too will this game soon tumble a far more divisive wall: The Berlin Wall. In fact, there will be a scene at the end of the movie where a straight line of dynamite is inserted into a straight line in the Berlin Wall, and that's what demolishes it. Sure, we're playing fast and loose with history here, but it's all right, since nobody remembers as far back as 1989 anyway.
No, Gorbo, I do not like playing "B-TYPE". It's too messy for me.

But how to put a human face on a monolithic block puzzle game? An East berlin boy, a West Berlin Girl (the Pet Shop Boys can probably play over their introduction). Both are avid gamers, and meet on a primitive version of the internet, where everything is that bright green color that monitors exclusively displayed in 1980s movies about computers (unless you were from the future, in which case you displayed the same typeface in red)like the one Matthew Broderick used in War Games to almost cause nuclear holocaust and taught us all that in Mutually Assured Destruction, "the only way to win is not to play." Soon, their passion for Tetris turns into a passion for each other, and they need to find a way to bring one more wall down so they can be together, and fill the upside-down L-shaped holes in their hearts (the girl's hole may be shaped like that little half-t thing, we'll let the director's vision carry that one). Then they organize a competetive Tetris match between Gorbachev and Bush for the fate of the world, and both relize that if they work together, they can overcome any obstacle, even the dreaded "I need a straight line to complete a Tetris and all this damn game is giving me is squares and things are piling up very fast for me over here" dilemma. Soon, the wall comes down, and the lovers are united. It's that kind of human heart that gives this tale of a cold, Bolshevik game its warmth and will make it a good sell to the ladies.

"Their passion cleared the lines dividing man from man."

So, if anybody out there knows who I can get in touch with to pick up the movie rights to Tetris using only the change I find in between my couch cushions, pop onto our spankin'-new message board, or send me a carrier pigeon, I mean e-mail, rich@xtremewailing.com. If it's a bit out of my price range, I've got plenty of ideas for a Columns movie, or Bejeweled. I'm sure I can pick those up cheap.


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