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Tetris: The Movie
"Walls go up as walls come down -- Tetris: The Movie."
Hello again, high-powered movie execs who regularly read this site for exciting new film
and television ideas and yet never seem to cut me a check when their show takes off (Wilmer
Valderrama, I'm looking at you - his Yo Mama on MTV is clearly a rip-off of my
, the description of which can be found here).
I'm here with another one of my guaranteed blockbuster ideas, sure to net you some cool as cucumbers
millions and a date to the Oscars.
I like to think I'm tapped into the youth market, and I'm hep to what the kids are into these days.
Those Mutie Samurai Turtles are all the rage and whatnot, but what's really got the kids going these days
is video games. And there hasn't been a bigger game, played by more people the world over, than Tetris.
And that's just what this movie'd be about - people coming together, uniting in their love for little blocks
combining together in straight lines. Come, let me take you on a magical journey, one in which simple geometric
shapes are sometimes enough to unite the world. I'm sure by the time I'm done, you'll all be frothing at the
mouth to purchase my pitch for the unofficial sequel, Snood: The Game My College Roommate Couldn't Stop
Playing and I Wanted to Shoot Him Over.
The year is 1989. A game, soon to be packaged with Nintendo's new handheld system the Game Boy, rises up
from America's Worst Enemy, Communist Russia, to unite the world. Much like when a player eliminates four
lines at once and completes a Tetris, watching a vast swath of blocks crumble, so too will this game soon tumble
a far more divisive wall: The Berlin Wall. In fact, there will be a scene at the end of the movie where a straight
line of dynamite is inserted into a straight line in the Berlin Wall, and that's what demolishes it. Sure, we're
playing fast and loose with history here, but it's all right, since nobody remembers as far back as 1989 anyway.
No, Gorbo, I do not like playing "B-TYPE". It's too messy for me.
But how to put a human face on a monolithic block puzzle game? An East berlin boy, a West Berlin Girl
(the Pet Shop Boys can probably play over their introduction). Both are avid gamers, and meet on a primitive
version of the internet, where everything is that bright green color that monitors exclusively displayed in
1980s movies about computers (unless you were from the future, in which case you displayed the same typeface in
red)like the one Matthew Broderick used in War Games to almost cause nuclear holocaust and taught
us all that in Mutually Assured Destruction, "the only way to win is not to play." Soon, their passion for
Tetris turns into a passion for each other, and they need to find a way to bring one more wall down so
they can be together, and fill the upside-down L-shaped holes in their hearts (the girl's hole may be shaped like
that little half-t thing, we'll let the director's vision carry that one). Then they organize a competetive
Tetris match between Gorbachev and Bush for the fate of the world, and both relize that if they work
together, they can overcome any obstacle, even the dreaded "I need a straight line to complete a Tetris and all
this damn game is giving me is squares and things are piling up very fast for me over here" dilemma. Soon, the
wall comes down, and the lovers are united. It's that kind of human heart that gives this tale of a cold, Bolshevik
game its warmth and will make it a good sell to the ladies.
"Their passion cleared the lines dividing man from man."
So, if anybody out there knows who I can get in touch with to pick up the movie rights to Tetris using
only the change I find in between my couch cushions, pop onto our spankin'-new
message board, or send me a carrier pigeon, I mean e-mail,
email@example.com. If it's a bit out of my price range, I've got
plenty of ideas for a Columns movie, or Bejeweled. I'm sure I can pick those up cheap.