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Total Party Animal

Rich Cerow

So, your parents are going out of town, and you want to have the party of the year, a real rager. And then maybe you'll finally impress the head cheerleader who's lived next door your whole life and you've secretly been in love with and watched from your adjoining windows but always been too scared to talk to but now that she sees the real you deep inside you'll fall in love and go to Prom together. Or the Fall Ball, whatever. It's senior year and you've finally gotta make your move before you both head off to college. I mean, you're both going to Daleman, so you won't even have to do the long-distance thing, so you can be together forever. You just gotta make your move. I totally understand, and you've come to the right place. I am the Grand Master of Partying Down! (which always ends in an exclamation point), and I have plenty of awesome party ideas to ensure that your shindig attracts all the fly honeys. If you implement some of my sure-fire mega-kegger ideas, I guarantee you'll beat the pants off that Aaron Carter kid's previous contender for John F. Kennedy Junior High party of the millenium.

First things first, you need the key ingredient to any wildly successful party - a big, fat party animal. Ideally, this should be your best friend named Hambo, Kentucky Fried Steve, or Sir Porks-a-Lot (which works great as a double entendre), who pokes and prods you into throwing a great party so everyone can get laid once he finds out your parents are going out of town to visit your Aunt Sally for the weekend in Fort Lauderdale. You're reluctant cause you don't want the place to get trashed, and of course it will end up getting trashed and you'll need to hastily try and clean up before your folks get back that morning (because
Everytime this guy shows up at a party, somebody ends up jumping off the roof to a trampoline and then into the pool.
they called and said they were coming back early) because while you tried to monitor things, you got distracted once Wendy Pfinkelstein showed up and you went ga-ga for her. A Hawaiian shirt on this guy is optional, but your big, fat party animal friend is gonna be the guy who instigates not only the party, but also all the zaniness that ensues. His antics, such as starting a game of Donkey Kong, wherein a Donkey stands atop a flight of stairs hurling empty kegs down at a group of Marios all trying to race to the top to be crowned the winner and getting to kiss Pauline the Machine, the sluttiest girl in town. Or he'll bring an inflatable pool and 76 lbs. of tapioca pudding to entice girls into having wrestling matches for your partygoers amusement. But since he's a big, fat party animal, rather than being disgusted, all the girls find his light misogyny and reckless disregard for other people's property totally charming, and are willing to participate in his wet T-shirt contests held on your front lawn, where your elderly neighbor Mr. Crannerty will see them and comically have a stroke on his porch, with his eyes rolling into the back of his head and all.

You know that frat party you got thrown out of last week because of their lame "no dweebs allowed" rule? You know why there was a line a mile long of sorority girls waiting to get in? Well, letterman jackets and the possibility of getting "pinned," obviously. But a close third is the everclear that is rendered taste-less by a little thing called the booze luge, a track carved in ice through which liquor is poured and then released at the bottom into some skank's gaping mouth on her way to blackoutville, population: where are my panties? I know what you're thinking - that you need to get yourself a booze luge posthaste. But wait, hold off a second there, superfreak. Remember those first two things those awful Alpha Betas have that you Tri-Lam rushes could only hope to have? Letterman jackets (which they don't give out for computer club) and pins, like that jerk who dated Stacey Carosi on the summer episodes of Saved by the Bell had, because apparently he stepped out of a time machine from the year 1953 in order to steal away Zack's one true love. So, you've gotta really step up that booze luge if you want to stay competetive, which is why you need me.
These guys won the Olypmic Booze Luge, which is the only event that earns you a Swedish model in a golden bikini for first place.
I propose a reverse booze luge. Steal some liquid nitrogen from your chemistry lab that your teacher lets you have a key to so you can get some after-hours work in, and put that engineering know-how to good use by building a monochrome vector-graphics 3D model on your Texas Instruments TI-99 of a water slide from your attic window to the pool below. Then coat the slide with the nitrogen, and fill the pool with everclear, and you have your very own reverse booze luge (I assume you'll be able to figure out how not to kill anyone with this setup). It'll be the talk of the town, and all those blonde-haired, blue-eyed jocks who like Johnny from Karate Kid will be furious and try to ruin your party by turning on the sprinkler system which only makes things get even crazier as things erupt into an impromptu unisex wet T-shirt party when their "Totally '80s" costume party is deader than disco while you've got a line around the block of dope shorties waiting to ride your slide before they get to ridin' you.

You should probably also hire a ska band to play in the backyard, or maybe a reuinted Mister Mister, just to get the place pumpin' and the ladies on the dance floor. But, really, if you have a big, fat party animal there, he'll be sure to slick the floor with Jell-O or something before everybody starts playing a very suggestive game of Twister, so that women are bound to fall into everybody's arms and be overcome with the need to make out all over the place. Dr. Pigginton would probably take care of ensuring your party is even crazier than a Super Sweet 16, I just like my reverse booze luge idea enough to throw it in there. If you need any more ideas guaranteed to make you the belle of the ball at your next box social, or just wanna offer up some of your own, hit up the message board or e-mail me,, and I'll see if you're worthy of joining my elite cadre of party planners, which includes Styles from Teen Wolf, Booger from Revenge of the Nerds, and Animal from Muppets Take Manhattan.

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