Newest - Highway to Hell - DREEEEEEW!
The Next Big One
One big regret in my life is that I have not been to enough concerts. I saw the
Beach Boys as a kid, Poison after their prime, and also Metallica near the end
of their prime (which was quite possibly the only time I ever lost control of
my brain and handed it over to the Rock gods as a paltry sacrifice, but they
gave it back because I have work to do in the future). Further, I have never
been to any of these really big concerts where things burn down and the fuzz
shows up to try and save their little town from total destruction. Using my
mathematical prowess, I estimate that the intersection of my future concert
choices and future crazy concerts is limited to Weird Al Yankovic playing
Tehran (which I would definitely be first in line to see).
Shadax(x) contemplates how hard it will be to collect the mixing bowl,
cubical hamburger and lime jello for dinner and is seriously considering acting
like a real rock star and having lobster delivered.
So the only way to rectify this is to start my own band, become huge, and play
my own concerts until one goes crazy. Again, my killer math skills will help
me to effeciently plan and execute this strategy.
First, I will need a band name. Scientifically, the best names are those that
make people think of something besides money so that they will buy your albums
why they are not thinking about the need to purchase food or pay rent. Por
Exemplo: I would favor the name "Jamaican Sea Turtles" over "My Last Two
Bucks." Realistically, I need one that fits my Nintendo-loving personality
without giving away my extreme nerdiness, so I need to go with the name of an
obscure Nintendo character, like "Gnilda" or "Shadax." Shadax has the clear
advantage of having an "x" at the end, allowing me to alter the name to the
extremely cool "Shadaxx" (triple-x's is not for bands, it's for.... well, never
So with a killer name, now I need to construct a successful band dynamic.
Luckily, I specialize in dynamical systems, which shares many letters in the
same order as "dynamic." So if I take the eigenvalue of "DYNA" applied to the
the maximum amplitude comes from the vectors
"Rich" and "Vger." So I'll need to sign them, but the contract has to include
the "dynamic clause," establishing myself as the hero of the band, Rich as the
razor sharp guitarist with incredible wit, and Vger is the mysterious drummer
who looks wistfully into the distance in all our magazine covers. God, I hope
Vger plays the drums.
Vger, poised to rumble.
Let's see, our band can successfully mooch off of Rich's musical talents in
order to fulfill all the "artistic" requirements of a band, so that frees up
Vger and myself to form a long-running feud that takes us on a roller-coaster
ride of bad personal habits and competing stunts of public indecency. This
will create enough buzz about Shadaxx to get people excited about our upcoming
tour which will be located...
On the moon. Yes, by the time I have engineered the perfect battle strategy
(which I will plot out on graph paper, since I love graph paper), I am certain
that some enterprising space-mogul from Texas will have developed an orbital
airline, which we can use to shuttle crazy Shadaxxians (that's what I call my
fans) to the moon where they will turn the Sea of Tranquility into the biggest
mosh pit of all time! Again, the name of my band will distract all
ticket-seekers from the fact that a moon-trip will cost them roughly a billion
dollars and a gold yacht.
Then after Shadaxx finishes its third encore of "Ryu Hayabusa could cut Metal
Blades in Half" (that will be our biggest hit song that gets insane radio play
and to which young ladies will listen to while they dream of marrying me for my
money and dating Rich or Vger instead while I am managing the band from my newly
created record company "The Art of the Firewheel."), we will take a
low-gravity-enhanced dive into the crowd and surf into history.
Yes, I believe that will work nicely. The only thing I don't have yet is a shot
in heck, so if anyone knows the Prince of Darkness, let him know that I have a
soul to sell. Oh, and check out my new internet album, "Scoring Low," the
musical tale of how I used to stink at Tetris.