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The Next Big One


One big regret in my life is that I have not been to enough concerts. I saw the Beach Boys as a kid, Poison after their prime, and also Metallica near the end of their prime (which was quite possibly the only time I ever lost control of my brain and handed it over to the Rock gods as a paltry sacrifice, but they gave it back because I have work to do in the future). Further, I have never been to any of these really big concerts where things burn down and the fuzz shows up to try and save their little town from total destruction. Using my mathematical prowess, I estimate that the intersection of my future concert choices and future crazy concerts is limited to Weird Al Yankovic playing Tehran (which I would definitely be first in line to see).
Shadax(x) contemplates how hard it will be to collect the mixing bowl, cubical hamburger and lime jello for dinner and is seriously considering acting like a real rock star and having lobster delivered.

So the only way to rectify this is to start my own band, become huge, and play my own concerts until one goes crazy. Again, my killer math skills will help me to effeciently plan and execute this strategy.

First, I will need a band name. Scientifically, the best names are those that make people think of something besides money so that they will buy your albums why they are not thinking about the need to purchase food or pay rent. Por Exemplo: I would favor the name "Jamaican Sea Turtles" over "My Last Two Bucks." Realistically, I need one that fits my Nintendo-loving personality without giving away my extreme nerdiness, so I need to go with the name of an obscure Nintendo character, like "Gnilda" or "Shadax." Shadax has the clear advantage of having an "x" at the end, allowing me to alter the name to the extremely cool "Shadaxx" (triple-x's is not for bands, it's for.... well, never mind).

So with a killer name, now I need to construct a successful band dynamic. Luckily, I specialize in dynamical systems, which shares many letters in the same order as "dynamic." So if I take the eigenvalue of "DYNA" applied to the memberlist, the maximum amplitude comes from the vectors "Rich" and "Vger." So I'll need to sign them, but the contract has to include the "dynamic clause," establishing myself as the hero of the band, Rich as the razor sharp guitarist with incredible wit, and Vger is the mysterious drummer who looks wistfully into the distance in all our magazine covers. God, I hope Vger plays the drums.
Vger, poised to rumble.

Let's see, our band can successfully mooch off of Rich's musical talents in order to fulfill all the "artistic" requirements of a band, so that frees up Vger and myself to form a long-running feud that takes us on a roller-coaster ride of bad personal habits and competing stunts of public indecency. This will create enough buzz about Shadaxx to get people excited about our upcoming tour which will be located...

On the moon. Yes, by the time I have engineered the perfect battle strategy (which I will plot out on graph paper, since I love graph paper), I am certain that some enterprising space-mogul from Texas will have developed an orbital airline, which we can use to shuttle crazy Shadaxxians (that's what I call my fans) to the moon where they will turn the Sea of Tranquility into the biggest mosh pit of all time! Again, the name of my band will distract all ticket-seekers from the fact that a moon-trip will cost them roughly a billion dollars and a gold yacht.

Then after Shadaxx finishes its third encore of "Ryu Hayabusa could cut Metal Blades in Half" (that will be our biggest hit song that gets insane radio play and to which young ladies will listen to while they dream of marrying me for my money and dating Rich or Vger instead while I am managing the band from my newly created record company "The Art of the Firewheel."), we will take a low-gravity-enhanced dive into the crowd and surf into history.

Yes, I believe that will work nicely. The only thing I don't have yet is a shot in heck, so if anyone knows the Prince of Darkness, let him know that I have a soul to sell. Oh, and check out my new internet album, "Scoring Low," the musical tale of how I used to stink at Tetris.

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