Newest - Highway to Hell - DREEEEEEW!

So You Wanna Be A... Restroom Attendant

Drew McEleney

It takes a special man or lady to earn the rank of Urinal Colonel in the Restroom Army. Every night across every major city in the United States they help us look and smell our best on the way out of the crapper. Let’s take a closer look into just what it takes to join their ranks.
Thankfully Margret lost her sense of smell in 1912 which helped her excel in her chosen profession.

Key Skills: A sharp tongue and a poor sense of smell are two key ingredients any aspiring restroom attendant must possess. Many customer encounters last only a few moments (though some tragically longer) and in that time the attendant needs to establish a rapport. Conversation may range from the weather to local sports teams to the proper method to create the perfect ruffi-tini.

What You’ll Need: A fully stocked countertop including chewing gum, perfume/cologne, mints, soap, hand lotion, matches and toothpicks. A well pressed suit vest and bow tie are also key elements as far as wardrobe goes. Another thing you’ll need is a basket filled with dollar bills and even a few fives to give the illusion that someone is big-timing by dropping finsky tips in the men’s room. This startup money is vital and echos the mantra of Ghandi … “make money money, make money money”

Pros: Two words. Cash. Tips. If you have the good fortune of working in a swanky midtown eatery you can make a nice chunk of change catering to the upper crust. And because you are making cash you can get a little creative with your reported income and stick it to the man. Finally, since
Precision instruments from the restroom attendant world. The only thing missing is complementary sushi.
yuppies often talk business in the WC you might hear a juicy stock tip or two. Who know you could short Kramerica Inc. at 50 on a tip of weaker than expected earnings and subsequently buy a small island off the coast of South Africa. On second thought the island will probably be haunted because you did get it at a bargain price. Doesn’t look like such a smart decision now does it? But I digress…

Cons: This one should be self explanatory to you, my dear reader. All night, every night, you work in very close proximity to human waste – and I’m not talking about the board of directors at Enron *ZING*. Then there are the people who don’t tip at all. These ungrateful souls may take your soap, gum, and cologne and leave you with nothing more than a ‘later man.’ What’s worse if you may get the type who skip the hand wash altogether in order to avoid an awkward tip standoff.

If you think you have what it takes to be number one in the number two business, contact me at and I’ll get you a job as restroom attendant at the Denny’s in Gary, IN. Hey, we all gotta start somewhere!

All Features