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Newest - Highway to Hell - DREEEEEEW!
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So You Wanna Be A... Stockbroker
Drew McEleney
When not actually working as a stockbroker, unwind with a
little wall street kid in all its 8 bit glory.
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Key Skills: Any job on wall street requires ample amounts of guts, greed, and determination
with a dash of smarts thrown in for good measure. Any young chap planning a career as a stockbroker
must meticulously hone these skills to succeed. You must also be willing to live life in the fast lane
which means 20 hour work days and marathon boardroom battles. If all goes well you can even graduate to
‘corporate raider’ and takeover faltering companies only to break them up and sell off the pieces to the
highest bidder. Your personality traits may be honed by an excellent profession simulator called “Wall
Street Kid” released by the Nintendo Corporation in 1990.
What You’ll Need: Let’s start by addressing the wardrobe and personal grooming habits.
You will need a power suit complete with custom made Armani dress shirts, platinum cuff links, coach belt,
and Gucci alligator loafers. You should probably also be clean shaven at all times (assuming you are a
dude and not a dudette) and slick your hair back and sport a perma-snarl to intimidate your foes. You
will also have to drive a high performance automobile like a Ferrari or Maybach or if you don’t have a
license due to multiple DUI convictions you can have Wentworth your trusty chauffer transport you around
Manhattan. Finally you will need a penthouse apartment decorated in all black with lots of postmodern
light fixtures that turn on when you walk into the room.
Essential Viewing - this
movie sucked less than JFK.
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Pros: As a Gordon Gekko in training you will enjoy all the trappings of wealth along with an
endless supply of supermodels just begging for you to take them to the sheik new restaurant that just
opened on the upper west side. You know the kind of place I’m talking about … it is tucked away in a
more secret location than the bat cave and you need to be the twin brother (identical) of the owner to
get a table next year. You also get to experience significant financial gain and the respect of your
peers assuming you do not throw them in front of an express train for stealing your account.
Cons: The next dot com bust may be just around the corner so you better stash some cash.
Also since the boys at Enron, Global Crossing, and Tyco crashed the party it is ever harder to swindle
employees, shareholders, and the government. Another con – we are no longer in the 1980s and stockbrokers
just don’t do coke like they used to. Finally odds are you will be burned out and retire early and poor,
end up in the slammer as a result of an SEC investigation, or have a heart attack at 31. Happy birthday jackass.
If you are interested in applying for the newly vacated trading position at our firm send your resume on
over to drew@xtremewailing.com.
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