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So You Wanna Be A... Mascot

Drew McEleney
Can one of you fine gentlemen kindly direct me to Irish McDrinky's? I'm 20 minutes late for a kids party.

Key Skills: In order to become a mascot you must be good natured and outgoing. It is also helpful if you are a failed actor because that community college production of Hamlet you did last year will prepare you well to don a giant taco suit and pass out fliers to Burrito Billy’s Mexican Cantina on Highway 35. You will also need good eyesight to see through the tiny mesh screen that covers your face while protecting the overall aesthetics of the giant drink cup mascot. Finally, all good mascots must have a good bladder - you might be promoting restaurants or cheering on a sports team or running Space Mountain at E.P.C.O.T. all day long without a single potty break.

What You’ll Need: Some type of crazy, over-the-top costume. Think of a 3D version of the airbrush caricatures those guys put on t-shirts at Great America that is the look you are going for. You should make sure your new uniform is very bright and hard to miss so potential customers and or sports fans will know and love you - the friendly mascot. It is also advisable to have deodorant and a can of lysol with you as they just don’t wash the inside of those things.
You are crazy, that wasn't pass interference! He clearly pushed off within the allowed five-yard neutral zone then didn't make contact until the ball was in the air. It wasn't even catchable! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeha!

Pros: No dress code - everyday is casual Friday inside your foam rubber Paul Bunyan / Dinosaur / Cowboy costume. Also the ladies will flock to a man in uniform - usually this means soldiers, police and the like but the ‘special’ girls like dudes dressed as a 7’ tall hot dog.

Cons: Sub-minimum wage pay, no health benefits of any kind and only seasonal work (you will have to sell shoes in the off season). Possible injury resulting from mascot on mascot or fan on mascot fighting. A 10,000 degree suit on a hot day. Random drug tests and of course you must turn in your last shred of dignity the day you put on that stupid cow suit and try and convince people on their lunch break to stop by Chic-Fil-A.

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