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Born on the Fourth of Your Favorite Terrible Stand-Up Comic

Rich Cerow

Why is it that every time somebody has to go kill Dracula, they wait till 5:45 at night before they get around to getting over to his castle? You know that bastard's gonna pop up at 6 when the son goes down, right as you've got the stake pressed to his chest, and you're gonna have to actually fight him to the death. Seriously, Van Helsing is a scientist - he should get himself a Farmer's Almanac, see what time sunset is that day, and then maybe get there in the middle of the afternoon, not this hustlin' up to catch Dracula before he gets up in the middle of the night to suck the blood from another virgin. And, hey, how many times have we killed Dracula already? You know those ladies are turning back to regular people once he's dead, so what's one more gonna hurt you? Let Mina become the living dead - she'll be back. If it was me, I'd be there at 7 AM with bells on - I'm gonna let him get settled into that deep REM sleep, and then nail him while he's still groggy. I mean, he been out all night, Draculaing it up, he's tired, he's not gonna be putting up much of a fight when he's just trying to settle into his coffin and get a good day's sleep. And you know how in every summer camp movie ever made, they take some uptight counselor's bunk, you know, the one who's a stickler for all the rules and won't let them sneak into the girls' bunkhouse late at night for some serious make-out sessions, and they take his bed and put it on a raft in the middle of a lake? That's my move against Dracula - I'm not messing around with opening the coffin up and then needing to fight him off while I drive a wooden stake in 'cause we in a dungeon with no light coming in. I'm picking the whole damn thing up and carrying it out to a field, him in there sleeping like a baby the whole time. Then I'm popping that lid open and running like hell. Let the sun do a number on Dracula. That's the way to go, that's a plan. Not this Van Helsing business, I've gotta be a real man and almost get myself killed to prove something to the soulless undead.

Any other fictional monster hunters' plans drive you crazy? How would you unwrap the mysteries of the dreaded Mummy? Would you send V.I.C.I. from Small Wonder in with flowers as a decoy to distract Frankenstein? Would you serve the Creature from the Black Lagoon with tartar or cocktail sauce? Post your best fried-Gizmo recipes on our message board and we'll see if you've got the spicy meatballs to make it onto my new reality show, Hell's Actual Kitchen.

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