Newest - Highway to Hell - DREEEEEEW!

Your Favorite Terrible Stand-Up Comic Returns

Rich Cerow

New, absolutely guaranteed one-hundred percent awful stand-up bit for everyone out there. Try it on your friends!
She submitted this photo to Homeless but nobody's grabbed her up yet!

As you can probably tell, I have a lot of trouble meeting women, but I think I may have found a solution: I’m gonna start dating the homeless. Think about it; this is a virtually untapped market. This is a literal case where “beggars can’t be choosers!” And even if the homeless girl you’re squiring has a lot of suitors, you’ve gotta have an edge on them just by having a roof. “Hey, check this out, I’ve got running water!” Besides, it’d be great, you wouldn’t have to even clean the place up before she came over. I mean, she sleeps in dirt, so you’ve got the sanitary edge on that one. And when the evening’s winding down, all you’ve gotta do is open the door. Once she steps out, it’s “Hey, you’re home! I’ll call you tomorrow!” This obviously assumes your homeless girlfriend has a cell phone. Now, of course, there’ll be some drawbacks: she’ll probably be pushing for the move-in a little earlier than you’re comfortable with. But don’t worry, I’ve got some ready-made excuses for you. You can just say, “Listen, I’d love to, but I just don’t think I have room for three garbage bags full of cans right now,” or “Gee, I don’t think my parking space can accommodate your chain of shopping carts…” This is gonna work out perfectly, I can feel it. [Segue into a bit about airline peanuts or something like that. Why are those bags so small? And you can never get ‘em open, you know? Why did the peanut ascend the air travel food chain, to rule over the chicken dinner and the kosher meal with such a mighty fist? Did you ever notice that?]

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