Newest - Highway to Hell - DREEEEEEW!
Soon to be a Major Motion Picture Starring Chuck Norris and Jonathan Brandis
If I were ever to be featured in a movie or television show, I would mostly definitely
want one of those credits that comes at the end of the opening credits and says "and Charles
Bronson as Dr. Alouicious Brocktatum." I mean, I know how credits work, and if you're the
big star you're supposed to come first in the credits (and if you're totally rad and can sell
anything you're in like sno-cones at a Little League game, like Arnold Schwarzenegger, you come
before the title), but even if I was the biggest star in the world, a Sylvester Van Damme, if
you will, I'd still want that "character" credit. And it's even better when the character name
is placed in quotation marks, as in "and Dolph Lundgren as 'Farnsworth the Friendly Cyborg,'" just
to let you know that it's a fictional character he's playing, and that's not just all part of his
full name. Cause they get crazy with those names over in Mother Russia. Backwards "R's" and all
that business, which you need to include in the art for your title if you cast Dolph Lundgren in
your film. It's in his contract.
Yes, Zack, I will build an elaborate machine to help you
trick Kelly Kapowski into going out with you.
Of course, the star is never as cool, and deferential to his co-stars as I would be, and so
the star invariably comes first, and the secretly coolest guy in this movie / tv show ends up with
the awesome credit. And usually that credit is given, especially in sitcoms, to the wacky neighbor,
or the best friend who's way more fun and outlandish than the lead. You know, the sidekick. Which
brings me, very long-windedly, to my point: I need a sidekick. See, lately I've been feeling like
there's a whole in my heart that can only be filled by you, my sidekick (I also strongly feel like
my life needs musical accompaniment to let me know better when to be happy, sad, intense, or explosive.
I think my theme song would be "Make Me Lose Control" by Eric Carmen, and "Don't Dream It's Over" by
Crowded House would play over my end credits). Listen, we've gone over ad nauseum on this site how
I have trouble attracting the ladies, but with a permanent wingman, a Goose, by my side, I'm sure I'd
have no trouble. Hell, give me a young boy in green underwear and a bright yellow cape, and I still
think it'd help me score with the ladies. Think about it, comely lasses - you see a dude walk into
a bar, and he's with a Boner Stabbone, you know he's got something going on. You're intrigued - what
about him inspires that kind of loyalty? Is he the scamp always coming up with schemes that get his
friends into trouble, and yet is so charasmatic that his friends continue to hang out with him anyway,
a la Zack Morris? Or is he the more responsible, mature of the two, Livin' Charles and In Charge to
his friends more slope-foreheaded Buddy Lembeck, always making sure he doesn't get into too much trouble,
all while a juggling schoolwork and reigning in that Nicole Eggert, who was always out about town,
sullying the family name. If I'm either of these magnificent personality prototypes, you know I'm
Buddy, what are you up to now? Trying to get into the Guinness Book
of World Records--again?!
Besides, I could really use some spicing up in my life, and a sidekick would be perfect for this.
You could get yourself kidnapped, and I'd have to save you from some themed villain, who telegraphs
all his moves through some bizarre OCD like it has to be maritime-themed, so clearly he's holed up at
the old, abandoned Gotham Aquarium, or he seriously feels the need to only rob stores in alphabetical
order, so of course I just need to stake out Zacharias Zimmerman's Zootopia, the pet store, and wait
for him to hit it up, follow him back to Pier Z where he's been hiding out, and rescue you. Besides
that, if you're not into being my "ward," you can be more of a proactive sidekick, and I will gladly
get you out of jams when your hair-brained schemes go awry. For instance, Waldo Faldo, if you were
to set up a casino in your parents' basement while they were away in Tahiti for the anniversary, as a
money-making venture that goes bust when some little old lady hits the keno jackpot and you owe a lot
of money to gangsters who will break your legs if you don't pay up, I can come out of my self-imposed
poker retirement to hustle the hustlers and save your life. And you'll learn never to mess around with
the wrong kind of people again, until next week when you decide to start a very innocent escort service
for the lonely guys at our high school, but run afoul of a flamboyantly-dressed, 70's jive-talking pimp
who don't want you cutting into his bid-ness, turkey. So, I'll have to meet with some of his hookers
with hearts-of-gold and convince them to turn their lives around by enrolling in some courses in the
community college, but first they turn on their pimp for slapping Sally, and she's only fourteen, and
get him hauled off to jail. But we freeze-frame on me with the really sweet hooker who I may have a
future with but we'll never see again after this episode, after you've just popped your head in my
window (and it's totally wacky that you always climb in throught he window rather than use the door) and
told me you heard about a place in Mexico where you can sell American girls' underwear at primo prices,
so we've gotta go on a panty raid at the Gamma Phi house right now! Then I'll just groan that "you're
incorrigible" groan I always do and the audience will have a good hearty chuckle. Because, really, my
life is pretty tame right now, and it totally needs some of that unbridled zaniness to spice it up.
The orginal Batman TV execs needed to make Batman
look cooler, so Robin appears next to him in every scene.
This is not a one-way street of course - my new sidekick wouldn't just be there to make me look
good around all the chicks and alleviate my boredom. I'd be available to teach valuable life lessons,
like how to believe in yourself because I believe in you, and possibly karate. Because that's a discipline
that teaches you awesome tenets like respecting life and finding your inner peace and being able to break
someone's arm in four different places if they attempt to grab you. Of course, if I'm a Zack or a Mike
Seaver type, then you are a super-nerd, and thus my deigning to allow you to sycophantically follow me
around and do every degrading thing I ask you to is totally helping you score with the chicks. Let's
face it - Carlton wasn't going to any of those poolside parties with the hottest girls in school wearing
string bikinis without being attached to the Fresh Prince's hip (similarly, he wouldn't have gotten any
play on Silver Spoons without being Ricky Schroeder's chum and cashing in on that sweet, sweet
model train he had in his house that you could ride in). So, my sidekick is gonna get access to all
kinds of previously unattainable tail. Plus, there's no telling how far this will take you - eventually
we'll need to go to college, and even though you're the brainier of the two and have been doing my homework
for years in exchange for a wedgie-free existence, as I have access to all the cliques at school including
the jocks, we'll some how inexplicably go to the same college, which may even be in our hometown. And there
I'll be able to get you into the coolest frat on campus, until we realize they're jerks and are we're
better off without them. Still, Cindy from Delta Mu would never be talking to you without me, sidekick.
So, you owe me...big time.
We're accepting applications for my sidekick position now on our
message board and also via e-mails to
firstname.lastname@example.org. I am also searching for a T-Mobile
Sidekick, as I want to be cool and get it encrusted with a bedazzler, like my idol Paris Hilton. Oh, and
if you've got a used Bedazzler for sale, cut me a deal on that, too. I've got some awfully plain-looking
denim jackets whose backs could use a little pizazz.