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Tugging at My Heart Search Strings

Rich Cerow

I am obsessed with this website's stats. I check them a couple of times a day, as though they might magically change and we'll have nine million visitors and I can make a living doing this full-time. Actually, we don't do terribly, but we don't do selling our domain to NEWS Corp. well either. Anyway, when I look at the search strings that have led new readers here, and you reading this right now may be one of those new readers, I am forced to draw a depressing conclusion: a significant percentage of our readers are truly sad, lonely individuals who turn to the web in hopes of solving all their lives' problems. Well, they're in luck, because I am here today to not only solve their problems (on the web!), but also to discern a whole bunch of personal information from the search strings they've used to find our site. I am definitely not afraid to make wild assumptions about Perfect Strangers who've come to our site undoubtedly seeking something else entirely than what they wound up with when they got here. So, let's get right into it, with our first Silly Search String:

"taco suit"
There's still a sad sparkle in his eye.

I'm not sure if this person is looking for a suit made out of tacos or a taco costume to wear and pass out fliers (which is what got him here - it leads to Drew's So You Wanna Be...A Mascot). I am actually going to assume that this is some lonely, pathetic nerd who's only friends are the extra tacos he couldn't finish after last night's "Fourth Meal" courtesy of Taco Bell. He keeps these extra tacos, names them, and builds dioramas for them. Like, in one, Carl the Gordita loses his tomato during World War I and comes home a broken shell (get it?) of a man. In this case, Pepe the zesty Chalupa needs a tux to marry Marta, Burrito and Lover Supreme, so this guy was looking for instructions on how to sew a little, itt-bitty adorable suit for a taco to wear on his wedding day. Fortunately, I have been a diorama fanatic since the second grade when I totally aced my depiction of a scene from The Call of the Wild, so I have all kinds of experience when it comes to making tiny clothes for inanimate objects. If you want to make Pepe and Marta's Big Day extra-special, I suggest you go with tails. Tails on a Taco (or taco-related food item) spells class. Might I also suggest that you go with a top hat as well, but make sure that the brim is lined with plastic. Otherwise taco juice will seep in and make it all floppy. And you don't want Pepe looking like a 1930's cartoon hobo on the most important day of his life. As a side note, might I recommend doing a 1930's hobo diorama for your next "never gonna meet a woman" adventure, as a bindle stick thrown over the shoulder of a Mexican pizza would be absolutely adorable. I'd call that one Charlie the Tramp, a Lovable Scamp. Perhaps one of his advenures could end with him floating away in a hot air balloon?

"how to steal your parents booze"
Wesley would never steal his parents' booze. That's what replicators are for.

I'm glad to see that my articles are providing a valuable service to the youth of America, as this search string brings you here. I believe last month we also had somebody seeking advice on how to lose weight through cocaine abuse, so I am definitely a positive influence on the next generation (including Ensign Wesley Crusher). Anyway, kid, if you want to steal your parents' booze and you're going to the internet to find out how to do it, your party is already a failure. The cool kids all know they're going to get caught and just don't care so long as it means they get to throw the rager to end all ragers and maybe make out with Kathy Cornencorn after she's had one too many fuzzy navels. So, you just gotta do a snatch and grab on it and suffer the consequences. It'll all be worth it when you guys get to play Seven Minutes in Heaven. But since you've already had to ask me for advice on how to do this, here's my advice - don't throw a party. You are obviously a computer nerd, and thus friendless. Do you really want to put yourself in the position where you've got the balloons and the streamers all set up, standing there in your little pointy hat watching the door and have nobody show up? That might just break your heart. Don't put yourself through it; throw your own birthday party in a chatroom instead. You and "Zaxon6969" and "anime_n00b_kiLLa" can get together and get all crazy talking about the latest Pokemon expansion to come out, or complain about how Han shot first. And, let's face it, that's way more fun than drinking could ever be. Now if I could just get the "The More You Know" clip to play after that last sentence, I'll feel I've made my Public Service Announcement for the day and kept kids off drugs just like Johnny Dakota.

"being fed grapes and being fanned"
Lady, forget the chips and grab a palm leaf.

This dude who put this search string in is on the right path - I'm not even sure he needs my advice. See, if this is what you're looking for, then you are a man who is already on the right track. It should be everyone's goal to some day be serviced by a cadre of vestal virgins (or a horde of eunuchs, if you so prefer) like some long-forgotten Caesar, to become so famous so as to one day have a salad named after you. However, I suppose it is possible that this was soembody looking to do the serving, in which case, I feel the urge to right your life so that you don't continue down this mad path to becoming a eunuch. You may be thinking, but if everyone someday wants to be fanned and fed grapes, mustn't there be people who have to do the fanning and the feeding? And that's true, there must. But the point is, they are not supposed to enjoy it. Part of the joy of lounging while others see to your every whim is the crushing of others' will beneath your own, of knowing that you and you alone have acheived this godlike bliss, free to have palms flap in your face and the sweet nectar of the seedless grape (which I guess Caesar didn't enjoy, but you can) drip down your chin while others trundle in misery and oppression to see to it that you are never left wanting. Actually, the hell with the grapes and the fan - that stuff you can get pretty cheap these days - the soul-crushing has gotta be 95% of the fun of being in this situation. You can't have eunuchs who actually wanted to be neutered as boys so they'd be obedient to you, you have to had chased them down and done snip-snip against their fierce cries of protest. Everyone knows that.

There are plenty of more bizarre and oftentimes confusing search strings that lead to our site that I could offer advice to the purveyors of, such as "starfleet academy window sticker", but I already did one Ensign Wesley Crusher joke in this article (well, i guess this now counts as two), and I don't want everybody to get sick of my incessant Wil Wheaton bashing (which is nothing compared to my Jonathan Brandis bashing, if I ever get around to talking about Seaquest DSV). But if you have any advice questions, feel free to post them on our message board or e-mail and I'll be sure to make light of your deepest problems, and then proceed to answer a totally unrelated question that I managed to spin off from one or two words taken out of context. I'm pretty good at that sort of thing.

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