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Pizza! The Movie
Taking Advantage of Children, One Slice at a Time
When I was a kid I thought Short Circuit was brilliant (and I still do) and I would
literally watch it, rewind it, then watch it again. My siblings and I have seen Groundhog Day over
5,000 times; for a while my parents thought they were living the same day in July of 1994 over and
over and over. And I can’t even guess how often I sat through the same episodes of Gummy Bears
(bouncin’ here and there and everywhere) every time they aired. When was that Duke Igthorn going
to give up?! Lately it occurred to me that among other truisms like “what goes up must come down,”
and “no one can land on the carrier in Top Gun for NES” we can safely say “kids are single-minded like
the simplest of insects.” And then I realized that people are out there right now making
piles of money based on this observation. Barney and Big Bird-sized piles of Strawberry Shortcake-flavored
So I’m going to create something that 99% of American children will want: Pizza! The Movie.
I think I might know one and a half people who don’t like pizza (one being lactose intolerant and the half
being somebody who is partially lactose intolerant and still eats pizza but pays with marathon bathroom
breaks). My approximation now of how much I wanted pizza at age nine is a heroin addiction: I never
turned it down, ate it until it was gone, and actively planned schemes to get my parents to buy it for me.
And with kids it’s easy to transfer credibility. “Do you like pizza?! Then you’ll love Pizza! The
Movie!!” So here it goes:
Pizza! The Movie is about a group of kids that hang out at an old man’s pizza parlor every
day after school. He always talks about not having kids of his own so he’s very fatherly to the munchkins
and lets them play the video games for free and invent wacky pizzas to try (totally obvious kid pizzas like
ice cream pizza and french fry pizza—wait, it might not be too early to start laying the groundwork for
Hamburger! The Movie in this script). Then one day they are playing around in the kitchen with one
kid’s snail farm and the old man is getting a bit huffy trying to calm them down, but the real reason he’s
upset is that the sleazy business man across the street is trying to buy the pizza parlor out now that business
is starting to die down.
The old man also has a lethargic mutt that is always trying to eat the sardines; currently
it’s barking wildly which is making everyone in the pizza parlor, and the audience, insane. The
old man has had too much at this point and promptly falls on his face in the midst of a heart attack.
Kids! They just love pizza!
This is where the movie takes off! The children are screaming, the snails fly into some pizza sauce,
the dog is barking and knocking things over and at that very moment the evil business man stands at the kitchen
door cackling madly at the dying parlor owner. In the hospital we find out the geezer will be fine, but he’ll
be bed-ridden for a few weeks. He tells the young’uns to take care of the restaurant for him and they go back
there to discover a huge mess in the kitchen. The fattest kid in the bunch says something like, “we can’t let
this go to waste!” and takes a bite out of a pizza that is covered in all sorts of splattered ingredients from
their pizza laboratory and a liberal dose of the “special sauce” that has been brewing while they were in the
hospital. WHAMMO! These industrious whippersnappers realize they’re onto something and name the crazy new
pizza “The Old Man Special.” Business is booming because they all help out (including the dog that delivers
pizzas wearing a ridiculous pizza box harness, and somehow manages to bring back the money). The kids save
the restaurant and the old man is so happy he recovers fully.
And to coincide with the release of the movie I’ll make a deal with Pizza Hut to crank out Old Man Specials
at $13.99 a pop. Not to mention hats, T-shirts, pizza bed sheets, underwear, toothbrushes, Old Man Special lunch
boxes, action figures (the dog's harness sold separately), board games, ring tones, and pizza-shaped couches
(collect all the slices and make a whole pizza-couch!). I think I’ll build a bunker of money bags with my
first hundred billion to ward off the massive influx of attention I’m sure to garner with this amazing idea.
If you want to invest in this lucrative and risk-free enterprise contact me at
email@example.com or just send me a bag of money.