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Open for Business

Rich Cerow

Owning your own business sounds like a nightmare. Sure, there's being your own boss, which everyone thinks sounds great, but I bet it's not. I mean, if it was up to me, and someone wasn't forcing me to, I'd never get any work done. And I certainly wouldn't be showing up on time in the morning, and I'd probably cut out early in the afternoon everyday. Plus, if you're your own boss, then you are stuck with all the responsibility and consequences that go with that. Not to mention all the work that must go into keeping track of stock, ordering supplies (think about it - would you have any idea how many paper clips you'd need to successfully run Tickled Pink - Burlington, Vermont's Premiere Gay Comedy Club? Me neither), and just doing boring day-to-day stuff like sweeping up that you'd have to do until your business took off, if ever, and you could hire other employees to do your most menial, demeaning tasks. Frankly, owning a business myself I think would go about like this - getting really excited when I first think of owning my own business, researching what it takes to own a business, giving up cause that sounds like way too much work.

Which is why I've decided to bring my ideas to you, my audience of ultra-wealthy venture capitalists who sit around lighting cigars with hundred-dollar bills while wearing monocles and resting your not-even-tired feet on the backs of your butlers, who lie on all fours like some perverted human ottoman, so that you can spend all the money and do all the work and I can simply get paid a massive upfront fee for my fabulous ideas and moderately-sized royalty checks every month thereafter.
We have the only deviled egg and Hostess Snoball pizza in town!
No big whoop. I only ask for but a pittance from your coffers from the use of (just one of) my sure-fire moneymaking ideas. I mean, these are practially a license to have a Mount Rushmore-like impression of your face made in the side of a solid gold mountain you just built on your secret volcanic hideout. Actually, you should just go ahead and buy one of those on credit right now, that's how confident I am in this idea.

Pizza with ca-razy toppings. And I mean, like, you want pepperoni, buddy? Go to Domino's, cause we ain't got it. I mean, we only sell pizzas covered in M&M's and whipped cream. Or pizza pies with actual pies baked right on top! Or a slice of pizza stuck in the middle of a tuna on rye with a side of cole slaw. Lucky Charms cereal mushrooms on a slice of Sicilian. Every meal there would be like an adventure; who knows if you're going to taste the nectar of the gods or a repulsive Frankenstein of a meal. People will line up for blocks in the hope that their new creation, marshmallow and multi-vitamin pizza surprise, will go down on our Wall of Fame (for the wimps who want a safe bet) under Krazy Kombinations (as opposed to Crazy Combos, which are all the great pizzas people made using Combos snacks). We'll call it Uncle Richie's XXX-treme Toppings
Fantasy pizza goes well with Lord of the Rings-a-thons.
X-travaganza! to sell it to the kids.

Once they get the technology for this, then we'll start selling pizzas with only mythical toppings, like Pegasus manes and leprechaun entrails and the like. And then the real bucks'll start flowing in. So, if you want in on the ground floor of this, or one of my other great business ideas like an adult shop that sells everything encased in false copies of James Joyce's Ulysses so that you can carry your smut with pride and even a little condescension, then e-mail and we'll see if you can survive the Thunderdome that I make all potential business partners battle their way through. Once a Grand Champion has been declared, and no opponent is left standing (not even that man-child Master Blaster - you shall show his sweet countenance no mercy!), only then may I deem you worthy to enter the Final Chamber...and face Goro! Or just give me lots of money.

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