Newest - Highway to Hell - DREEEEEEW!
The Biggest Lie I Can Think Of
When members of the opposite sex meet one another, itís pretty much expected that we lie
to one another. Actually, itís not expected so much as demanded. This is, theoretically, to
impress one another so much that by the time the truth comes out we are thoroughly entrenched
in the other personís life. Then we just rely on inertia to stay there. This seems to be a
pretty effective system, since everyoneís using it. I, however, am not using it very well. And
this is not because I am so noble that I always tell the truth, or because Iíve transcended
Machiavellian methods for ensnaring the fairer sex and am seeking something true and real and
pure. As a matter of fact, those are the exact things I would say to a woman in order to appear
ďsensitiveĒ if we were sitting in a bar having a conversation about this right now. No, my problem
is that I donít tell big enough lies. So, from henceforth, I shall always tell strange women the
biggest lie I can think of upon first meeting them.
Now, of course, they canít know youíre lying. Even though we all know the other person is
constantly lying when we first meet them (and then, after 20 years of marriage, probably still lying
60-65% of the time), we canít know that the other person is lying. But Iíve figured a way around
this when telling the biggest lie possible: the illusion of authenticity. Letís face it; most people
arenít experts on anything. So, if you just throw in some technical-sounding jargon, that person
will probably think you know what youíre talking about (In fact, this is the way to always seem smart.
If you confuse your listener enough, they will just assume that you are light-years beyond them
intellectually and that they are simply too thick to comprehend what you are saying. This impresses
people, I swear). For instance, I think Iím going to start telling girls that I was an Olympic hopeful
javelineer. Now, is that a word? Not according to Microsoft Word 2003.
But does the girl Iím trying
to impress actually know what you call a javelin thrower (besides a javelin thrower obviously)? Probably
not. But using the tern ďjavelineerĒ makes it sound like you have the lingo down as only a person who
lived this life would. It makes it believable. Besides this, throwing in the word ďhopefulĒ makes this
information absolutely impossible to verify. This girl could be married to you for 50 years after this
first meeting and never be able to call you out on this lie, because sheíll never be able to irrefutably
disprove this claim. Itís not like you said you were in the Olympics, and thus there would be some kind
of record of your performance. Also, this lie makes you seem athletic, as though you were this close to
making it but your dreams were dashed when Pa got sick and you had to pack up and move home to take care
of the family farm, even though being a hopeful means absolutely nothing. I also hoped to someday have
a robotic version of myself to go to school for me and do all my chores, but itís not like I ever came
close to making that dream a reality (all right, I was kind of close: I had some plans drawn up but couldnít
put the capital together for my prototype. It was going to be made out of solid gold or Solid Gold dancers.
I canít remember which).
Rugged good looks, grace, athleticism, long pointy stick. Yes, this is the
image I most definitely want to convey.
ďThatís all well and good,Ē you may say, ďbut itís not that big a lie.Ē Well, youíre right. But
it is unique and intriguing, and I suspect that a good number of women will be moderately impressed by
this statement. If we went with the biggest lie I can think of, Iíd go with the fact that I was The Javelineer,
that masked avenger from the 1940s who single-handedly defeated the Germans at the Battle of Luxembourg and
helped turn the tide of World War II with his rocket-powered javelins. And Iím finally revealing my secret
identity to you. Because, I donít know, I just feel like I can trust you, that we have a connection. I can
finally be totally honest with someone.
If you want to discuss this or some of my other daring exploits, feel free to write me at
email@example.com. No fooling.