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The Biggest Lie I Can Think Of

Rich Cerow

When members of the opposite sex meet one another, itís pretty much expected that we lie to one another. Actually, itís not expected so much as demanded. This is, theoretically, to impress one another so much that by the time the truth comes out we are thoroughly entrenched in the other personís life. Then we just rely on inertia to stay there. This seems to be a pretty effective system, since everyoneís using it. I, however, am not using it very well. And this is not because I am so noble that I always tell the truth, or because Iíve transcended Machiavellian methods for ensnaring the fairer sex and am seeking something true and real and pure. As a matter of fact, those are the exact things I would say to a woman in order to appear ďsensitiveĒ if we were sitting in a bar having a conversation about this right now. No, my problem is that I donít tell big enough lies. So, from henceforth, I shall always tell strange women the biggest lie I can think of upon first meeting them.

Now, of course, they canít know youíre lying. Even though we all know the other person is constantly lying when we first meet them (and then, after 20 years of marriage, probably still lying 60-65% of the time), we canít know that the other person is lying. But Iíve figured a way around this when telling the biggest lie possible: the illusion of authenticity. Letís face it; most people arenít experts on anything. So, if you just throw in some technical-sounding jargon, that person will probably think you know what youíre talking about (In fact, this is the way to always seem smart. If you confuse your listener enough, they will just assume that you are light-years beyond them intellectually and that they are simply too thick to comprehend what you are saying. This impresses people, I swear). For instance, I think Iím going to start telling girls that I was an Olympic hopeful javelineer. Now, is that a word? Not according to Microsoft Word 2003.
Rugged good looks, grace, athleticism, long pointy stick. Yes, this is the image I most definitely want to convey.
But does the girl Iím trying to impress actually know what you call a javelin thrower (besides a javelin thrower obviously)? Probably not. But using the tern ďjavelineerĒ makes it sound like you have the lingo down as only a person who lived this life would. It makes it believable. Besides this, throwing in the word ďhopefulĒ makes this information absolutely impossible to verify. This girl could be married to you for 50 years after this first meeting and never be able to call you out on this lie, because sheíll never be able to irrefutably disprove this claim. Itís not like you said you were in the Olympics, and thus there would be some kind of record of your performance. Also, this lie makes you seem athletic, as though you were this close to making it but your dreams were dashed when Pa got sick and you had to pack up and move home to take care of the family farm, even though being a hopeful means absolutely nothing. I also hoped to someday have a robotic version of myself to go to school for me and do all my chores, but itís not like I ever came close to making that dream a reality (all right, I was kind of close: I had some plans drawn up but couldnít put the capital together for my prototype. It was going to be made out of solid gold or Solid Gold dancers. I canít remember which).

ďThatís all well and good,Ē you may say, ďbut itís not that big a lie.Ē Well, youíre right. But it is unique and intriguing, and I suspect that a good number of women will be moderately impressed by this statement. If we went with the biggest lie I can think of, Iíd go with the fact that I was The Javelineer, that masked avenger from the 1940s who single-handedly defeated the Germans at the Battle of Luxembourg and helped turn the tide of World War II with his rocket-powered javelins. And Iím finally revealing my secret identity to you. Because, I donít know, I just feel like I can trust you, that we have a connection. I can finally be totally honest with someone.

If you want to discuss this or some of my other daring exploits, feel free to write me at rich@xtremewailing.com. No fooling.


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