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Leonardo DaBiz-ay

Rich Cerow

I was thinking about the movie Titanic earlier today, and it got me thinking: 1) if I ever get caught in some kind of “disaster” I want it to be a shipwreck. What, did like half the people survive that thing? I mean, after they hit the iceberg, you had time to take a nap and pack your bags before getting into the lifeboat. Then all you need to do is sit around and wait for somebody to pick you up. It’s like getting off a bus. Sure, it might have been a little nippy out there, and you did have Leonardo DiCaprio’s blue corpse floating around your ankles, but it’s no plane crash, or some hellish fire like the one in The Towering Inferno. Shipwrecks are the easiest disasters to survive, and if you’re on the Titanic, you can survive in style, with that string quartet playing till the bitter end. But, 2), and the real reason I wanted to talk about Titanic, is that I need to learn to draw.

When Leonardo DiCaprio (who’s character’s name is Jack, which I inexplicably remember) tells Kate Winslet “I have to draw you,” she immediately disrobes. I’m not quite sure when anybody “has” to draw somebody else, but she seems to go with it. Now, this is sounding good already. If I could draw I could get girls to take their clothes off all the time under the guise of “art.” Obviously, a lot of my models would fall in love with me just because I’m an artist, so I have that whole sensitive and/or brooding and mysterious thing working for me (I’ve always wanted to be that brooding and mysterious guy.
For this to work you have to finish the drawing before she (or he) falls asleep.
Unfortunately, my mystery is usually solved with “Colonel mustard, in the Conservatory, with the Pipe.” And who, in Clue, ever kills the guy with the pipe? I mean, you’ve got a reveolver just lying around, and you’re gonna just pick up a candlestick? That noose is already tied! Just hang the butler, or, better yet, shoot him! Seriously). I think the nude model cover would work perfectly.

Of course, considering how much talent I would have, I wouldn’t restrict my creativity to simple figure work. Sure, I’d have models there, but I think in my work I would surround them with some fantastical elements. This would win me even more points with the ladies because, really, who doesn’t love elves and trolls? Not only that, but when they saw how awesome they looked astride a unicorn that was leaping over a rainbow, they’d see the magic in my soul and be forever mine. Plus, I want my pictures to tell a story, of a mystical quest in which our heroine, Gwendolyn (just to rhyme), must travel to the sand castle in the sky of Sea King Triton, where he will send them on a journey to the darkest depths of the ocean, where they must recover the coral scepter of the mythical hero Argamon, the only weapon capable of destroying the twin sea dragons, Perseus and Odoreus, who have taken over Triton’s beloved Atlantis. There will probably be a message about pollution mixed in there, too, as the dragons will have some devious plan to sap the resources and energy of the undersea kingdom. And then kids will learn that only evil people pollute, and the murder of those people will restore the health of nature’s gloriousness.

So, if you’d like to model for me, and accompany me on a magical adventure where we’ll have a wacky crustacean sidekick, and will not violate any copyright laws involving Disney’s The Little Mermaid, e-mail I’m gonna start practicing by making flipbooks of a man tripping while running a marathon.

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