Launch Day Survival Guide

Fortunately, Piggy and the other boys in line are still wearing clothes at this point.

<> Unless you're crazy, you'll never get there early enough to beat the rush and guarantee yourself a system. There's always some lunatic who has been living outside of Wal-Mart since Muppet Babies went off the air, in anticipation of the sequel to a system nobody even knew was invented yet. And really, that guy deserves one, because those 148 hours he just spent to sell a PS3 on eBay for $2500 translates to roughly what Chinese children make an hour to lace sneakers in a sweatshop. So, you'll need to find alternates to getting a system. Might I suggest becoming a wealthy industrial capitalist over the next week or so and make a sizable investment in Sony? Either that or a roller coaster. That'd entertain you until the PS3 and Wii stocks are replenished, and probably make you some friends along the way.

<> If you are going to subject yourself to hours in the freezing cold with the animals who've been out there for weeks, the first thing you need to do is secure Piggy's glasses. You will definitely need those to start fires and keep yourselves warm. However, do not let some of the more unruly characters in line strip you of your rightful place atop the food chain due to your control of the means of production. That is pinko commie garbage they're spewing, and you should execute anyone waiting in line wearing a Super Mario t-shirt (due to his red overalls). All those wearing Zelda t-shirts are your friends and should be made members of your secret police organization.

Vader, prudently, always stocks up on Depends before waiting in multi-day lines.

<> Another important thing to keep in my mind while waiting for a new system is to make sure you bring plenty to keep you entertained. Now, undoubtedly the other jokers hanging around there will have laptops, portable DVD players, Nintendo DSes and the like. And those will keep you reasonably entertained - for a little while. But, if you're going for the marathon wait in line, you are going to have to make friends outside of people that you just play Mario Kart wirelessly with. Really, you should bring a plastic lightsaber with you. And possibly wear a cloak of some kind. This way, you will undoubtedly have to re-enact a classic scene from Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith in which you hamfistedly shout "Noooooooooooooooo!" when you find out your imaginary girlfriend dies. There will undoubtedly be some other dweeb there wearing a Darth Vader costume (if there is a long line far in advance for something's release, somebody there is wearing a Darth Vader costume). He will be so enamored of your performance as Anakin Skywalker, that he will jump in and take over the post-transformation Vader scenes from your ten-plus-hour re-enactment of all six Star Wars films. So, you will have a new best friend to keep you entertained while you wait in line, not to mention the love and adoration of all your fans who've just witnessed your masterpiece (although, to be fair that project works better on ice).

This driver is amazing. He just manuvered straight through an evergreen tree!

<> Eventually, after you've whiled away weeks you could have spent with loved ones or bettering yourself or the world, the magical moment will come, and the doors will finally open and you'll be able to attempt to trample each other to death to be the first to get your hands on a beloved new console. Of course, everyone at the back of the line who's been waiting for three days and are now getting screwed because there are only eight PS3's at this location and the people who've been there since they invented a time machine to go back to 1955 and get in line at the old Spudsian family farm, which one day would be the spot were this very Super Target would be built are going to get all of them, they will also be in a mad rush to drink the blood of newborn babies just to get some sweet next-gen gaming goodness. You need to be prepared to be crushed against the door like a Dokken fan at a German heavy metal festival. I recommend hiring a horsedrawn carriage to carry you into the store. Not only will it make you seem regal, and thus people's instinctual reaction will be to defer to you, and you will have a horse to trample people with if they try to make cutsies in the line. And, hey, maybe you bring your girl, and take her for a ride into the store, and try to pass the whole massively long wait in line with smelly nerds off as a totally magical evening between the two of you. But, if you're gonna go for that move, make sure the coach driver wears a top hat and the horse has a classy name like Wind Dancer, or she'll never buy it.