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Gettin' Laid

Rich Cerow
I’m not entirely sure why, but out of the legions of high-powered movie executives who slavishly read this website, not one has contacted me yet about paying me millions of dollars for the rights to one of the fantastic movie ideas I’ve posted previously. But that’s all gonna change; this one’s got romance, intrigue, political maneuvering, keg parties, pony rides, four varieties of Doritos brand snack chips, and a pop-punk soundtrack you’d sacrifice a baby just to be the first kid on your block to own it. It’s called Gettin’ Laid, cause our market research has proven that in today’s fast-paced world, what with the Internet and everything, hip teenager just don’t have time to pronounce hard “g’s,” plus it looks totally radical having that apostrophe hanging out up there, like it might invade the word above it.

Gettin’ Laid is a fantastic teen sex romp. It tells the story of high school senior Johnny Pewterschmidt, a virgin. We begin at the Prom, where Johnny thinks he’s finally going to “do it” with his long-term girlfriend Kelly, but instead he gets unceremoniously dumped in front of the whole school because, you know, they’re going to college, and she wants to be free to see other people and long-distance relationships never work out.
Visit for your very own "Shades" outfit! Chest hair not included.
It’s totally humiliating. The next day, over milkshakes and French fries cause he’s totally depressed, Johnny’s best friend Shades, who always wears sunglasses and Hawaiian t-shirts and is a total party animal, explains that Johnny needs to “pop his cherry” because college girls, man, they have experience and they’re gonna expect you to perform. So now Johnny’s got just three months to finally lose it so that he doesn’t look like a total chump when he goes to that first frat party and gets so wasted that he sleeps with Hilda from the Gamma Mus.

So he and Shades go on an amazing quest to get Johnny laid, but just when they think it’s about to happen, some wacky mishap occurs and he remains chaste. Like, for instance, when they think the new divorcee who moved into the neighborhood is “hot to trot” or “in heat,” because she’s been married which means she’s had it before and now she’s insatiable, and she invites Tommy over to mow her lawn. Then, when she asks him if he’d like to come in for a glass of lemonade, and Shades, watching through binoculars in the car thinks “it’s finally gonna happen,” and Johnny strips while she’s getting some sugar out of the pantry, all hell breaks loose when she kicks him out without his clothes. Then it’s a mad dash from her overly amorous pit bull, during which his Mom of course happens to stop short and almost run him over while he’s naked. Then she says “Johnny?” but shakes her head no because “it couldn’t be.” Stuff like that will happen all the time. Like, the housewife around the corner will want Johnny to come help her with her groceries, and when they’re just about to start feeling freaky, her husband comes home. Another mad dash ensues, and Johnny’s mom almost sees him again (this could be a hilarious running joke).

Finally, though, at the end, Johnny realizes that this pursuit of empty sex is meaningless when he finally finds what he was looking for right in front of himself in his other best friend, Sam Peppercorn. He just never looked at her that way before because she has brown hair (and glasses). The audience knows the whole time that she’s crazy about him, but he doesn’t realize how beautiful she is until she takes those glasses off and he sees her as a woman for the first time, and not just Sam, his best buddy that he’s known since they were kids. And he realizes that he shouldn’t have been looking to get busy, he should’ve been looking for love the whole time. Something meaningful.

Of course, after he scores, he and Shades high five. But then, here’s the best part, we build the sequel in, because we find out that Shades, who everyone thought all this time was such a ladies’ man, is a virgin, too. So now they’ve got only a couple of weeks left before school starts to get Shades laid! How are they ever gonna pull this one off? You’ll have to come back next summer for Gettin’ Laid 2: Dirty Business.

Those of you who want to pay me even moderate sums of money for these ideas can e-mail me at I even have the marketing strategy all set up for this pig: t-shirts that say “Getting’ Laid May 24.” Then wacky college kids will wear them and say things to girls at parties like “You wanna make this shirt a reality?” or “Are you free May 24?” and the word will spread like wildfire. You can’t beat good word of mouth in this business.

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