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Jumping on the Bandwagon

Rich Cerow

The current media circus is, of course, the Michael Jackson trial. And we here at, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalists that we are, are not above reporting on the trial of the century (until the next one, like when some white girl gets kidnapped and murdered and then we find out it was her own father who did it all along. And America’s shocked because this happened in a town just like your own). Now, I’m not going to venture to guess whether he’s guilty or not. Frankly, I don’t have all the evidence, and really, it looks like nobody’s ever gonna know except Michael and that kid. Plus, talking about child molestation is just gross and creepy. No, what I want to know is where the Make-A-Wish foundation is finding these kids who, with their last dying wish, wanna meet Michael Jackson. I mean, he hasn’t made a good album in about fifteen years, a good single in about ten. And you’re telling me eleven year-olds are still, somehow, way into Michael Jackson. When I was that age, I couldn’t be bothered with anything over a couple of years old, let alone music my mom might’ve liked. Yet, somehow these kids are digging around record stores nabbing used vinyl copies of the Free Willy soundtrack and Blood on the Dance Floor, cause they just so into MJ they gotta have all the remixes and b-sides, the rare oul’ stuff. Either that or those kids got into Michael (not literally) through Invincible, in which case their terminal illnesses are affecting their taste.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation respectfully requests that you make your donations in the form of small bills. 'Cause just about all these sick kids gotta hit the strip club one last time before they go.
But, despite the fact that there’s no possible way kids today (did I just say “kids today?” Watch out, next I’ll be telling stories about the war and asking you what your name was again?) could naturally develop an interest in Michael Jackson, there’s nobody questioning the singer’s relationship with the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Clearly Michael has some deal worked out wherein the Foundation is funneling kids to him in exchange for more totally bitchin’ tunes about healing the world for the entire human race. Now, like I said, I make no judgment as to what nefarious purposes Michael has for these children he apparently has unlimited access to. Frankly, he could be performing genetic experiments on them a la Dr. Moreau, creating a race of half-children / half-three-legged ponies so as to overrun the world governments and force people to continue financing long-form videos like “Ghosts” (oh, excuse me, “Michael Jackson’s Ghosts”) that nobody wants to see. Obviously, in the hospital, these kids are asking for the chance to shake Justin Timberlake’s hand, but some oily businessman, with slicked-back black hair, who works for the Foundation is saying, “Now, wouldn’t you prefer someone a little more…attainable,” and somehow swaying these kids toward Neverland (which is a good name for an amusement park). But where is the news media covering this conspiracy? Nowhere. Which is why, faithful readers, we here at need to cover this story. Definitely not because it is the hot topic at the moment and we are uncreative. Most definitely. And now that I’ve exposed it, my work here is done.

If you work for the CIA and wish to assassinate me before I expose just how far up the ladder this thing reaches (all the way to the White House!), e-mail me at and I’ll let you know where I’ll be next week. Way I figure it is, I’ve had a good run.

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