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An Imaginary Interview with David Coverdale

Rich Cerow

David Coverdale is probably best-known known as the lead singer of Whitesnake, purveyors of the perennial hit “Here I Go Again.” Recently, we here at sat down with ourselves and made up a bunch of answers we think he might have given to our questions.
David Coverdale undoubtedly has a new album out, and you absolutely do not want to hear it.
Just imagine all of his responses to be in the form of a high-pitched yet scratchy wail, as though the rock is uncontrollably erupting from his body. When you sit down to right a song like “Here I Go Again,” are you conscious of how hard it’s going to rock? By that I mean, do set out with the intention of blowing people’s hair back, or does it tend to develop more naturally?

David Coverdale: Oh, wow, great question, man. We just consciously decide to come up with a totally electrifying song, you know? We sit down and say, “All right, is that it, time for another one, then?” and then we just bust out a totally mind-blowin’ tune like that. That’s just how we do. So, what you’re saying then, is you can consciously decide to write and record incredibly rockin’ songs at any time? Then why choose to hold back and record anything less than majestic?

DC: Well, you see, not everybody is a rockophiliac [Editor’s Note: Rockophilia is a rare genetic disorder, in many ways similar to hemophilia. In the rockophiliac’s case, as opposed to bleeding, once he starts rocking he cannot stop. Some noted rockophiliacs throughout history have been Aristotle, Beethoven, and 18th President of the United States Ulysses S. Grant. He particularly liked the Guns ‘n’ Roses song “Civil War,” for obvious reasons. They say if you listen closely, late at night, you can hear him blasting his jambox inside of Grant’s Tomb to this very day.]. I mean, most people cannot handle the true power of unadulterated rock. So we have to put some middling numbers in there, otherwise you’d have heads popping all over the place when people put those records on.
This is the trophy we presented Mr. Coverdale with for his being the Most Rockingest Imaginary Interviewee Ever. Ignore the Christian Girls' Soccer League engraving on the base.
Now, obviously you guys and your audience over at are rockophiliacs, so you’re predisposed to be able to handle high quantities of pure, unfiltered rock. But we have to produce for a mass audience, you see? Because if they hear the one song on the radio, and they can handle its rockitude, then they’ll go out and buy the album, unaware that the whole album is going to rock that hard, if not harder. What about some of the talk in the rock community regarding warning labels preventing just that kind of incident? That way the really rockin’ of us in the listening audience can still get the full effect without having to worry about how many lives are destroyed in the process.

DC: I’ve heard some of that talk, and seen some preliminary designs, with notes such as “Warning: The rock contained herewith shreds at face-melting speeds and ear-shattering decibels. We really don’t think you can handle it.” Now, obviously that’s a sticker for the general public. If you can handle it, you’ll be sublimely aware of this fact and just go ahead and ignore it. And, obviously, when you get to the register, the clerk will immediately know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it’s okay for you to buy this because, as we all know, the truly rockin’ absolutely glow with the glory of rock. And he will be overawed and rejoice to have been in your presence, and possible begin to worship you. That happens sometimes when I’m out buying groceries and stuff. But, anyway, while I like the idea of the warning labels, I think it might be something that is impossible to enforce. You are always going to have people out there who have some gross misconceptions about their innate rockability, and they’ll always try and reach beyond their abilities. And there will always be people willing to cater to these hyporockophiliacs [Editor’s Note: Hyporockophilia is the condition in which someone deludes themselves into thinking they are a genuine rockophiliac. The surest symptom of hyporiockophilia is when you are dealing with someone who claims to be a rockophiliac yet has somehow never been to a KISS concert. All genuine rockophiliacs have been to at least one. Everyone knows that.]. And that’s what I’m talking about, where heads are gonna get blown off. I mean, I can give you and people in your audiences copies of our real records, but we can’t just put them on the shelf at Wal-Mart. Switching gears a little bit here, I’m sure our audience would like to know how you think rock has extended to and improved your life outside your work as a musician. Are there any aspects of your life that you think rock has directly impacted?

DC: Well, to go back to an example I used earlier, when I’m out buying groceries, and I’m in the produce aisle trying to find some nice, ripe mangos, I will actually get groupies. And it’s not because they necessarily know who I am, I mean, I’m not walking around in my “Lewd, Nude, and Full of ‘Tude: Whitesnake ‘87” tour t-shirt or anything. I mean, yes, I have the flowing locks, so some people might simply be attracted to the mane, but I think it’s more than that; rock just flows forth from me at all times, as I’m sure it does from many of your readers. And that draws women towards me, so rock has definitely improved my life in that respect. But it doesn’t just bring in the standard sex and drugs. Did you know that if you’re a totally rockin’ dude, you can write off a whole bunch of stuff on your taxes? Check out form 11-F. There’s a box you can check off if you totally wail, and it lets you write off anything even remotely rock-related, like all those pairs of leather pants you have to buy every year, or prophylactics. Really, pretty much anything that fits your lifestyle. And they’re pretty lenient on it, too. See, the government doesn’t want you to move out of the US and move to, say, France, and then all of the sudden France is the rockinest place in the world.
This is a picture of a cute kitty. I included this just because he's so adorable.
So, they wanna keep us rockers pretty happy, ‘cause we up the whole rockin’ quotient for the whole country. Admittedly, though, it’d be pretty hard to get away with singing about eagles soaring (which is always a good topic for a song) if you lived in the Czech Republic. Plus, when I do my taxes, I shriek pretty much everything I’m writing down, like “4 Dependents! Ye-ee-eah!,” which makes doing my taxes way more badass. I charge admission for people to watch me attach my W-2’s. That’s some good advice for our readers, about the write-offs and the charging admission. You mentioned that even when doing such mundane tasks as grocery shopping, you are often accosted by people, especially women, just for obviously rocking so hard. Is this ever burdensome? Do you ever wish you could just turn off how hard you rock, even for a moment?

DC: I have to admit, it can occasionally become irksome, especially when you just wanna get something done and get back home to your lady. But, turn off my rockin’? I don’t think I could do it, man. I just don’t think I even know how to live without rockin’ so hard, all the time and eve-ry-day. That’s like asking me if I want to find out what life is like without breathing. Besides, we hard rockers do have a cross to bear; we are the shining, guiding lights to all those unrocked masses. We’re here to show them the way, to lead them to the top of the mountain of wail and kayaking down the River Styx, which rather than babbling, constantly plays Killroy was Here. ‘Cause the souls of the damned absolutely adore “Mr. Roboto.” And we need to make sure that some day everyone born on this earth is a total, diehard rockophiliac. And then all those wailing tunes I was telling you about earlier can come out in their undiluted form. And then, truly, we will have Paradise City here on earth. The grass will be green and the girls, oh the girls, they will be pretty. Wow, these are things I’ve always known but never put into words before. You truly are Monster of Rock, Mr. Coverdale! We here at salute you! Thanks for allowing me to pretend to interview you.

DC: Hey, no problem, man. Glad you thought of me when you decide to think of someone to make up answers for. Any last bit of advice our message for our audience?

DC: Always keep-a-rockin’ and don’t let anyone get you down! If you keep on believin’ someday you too can achieve your dreams! Never give up! [Editor’s Note: After this, Mr. Coverdale continues to spiral into hard rock musician “believe-yourself-and-your-dreams-will-come-true-just-look-at-me” clichés. To save him the embarrassment, we cut this interview off here.]

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