Newest - Highway to Hell - DREEEEEEW!

We Genies!

Rich Cerow
Unearthed in the late 20th century, this tablet depicts the first known image of a genie.

In the searing heat of the Arabian desert, a lone figure peers over the horizon through a mist of heat. He is grizzled and tan (as Ive always wished to look but I cant grow even the faintest semblance of a beard and Ive never gotten past Dracula on the Tan-O-Meter) after his arduous journey to something that suspiciously resembles the set of early 90s Nickelodeon game show Legends of the Hidden Temple. Inside, his treasure lies, the fabled magic lamp which will unleash a comical genie who spouts all kinds of anachronistic pop culture references while teaching our hero what true friendship (and love) means...

I was recently re-watching the Shaquille ONeal masterpiece Kazaam! the other day, and it got me to thinking about what I would wish for if a genie popped out of a bottle. I immediately ruled out more wishes because, well, genies all seem to have planned for this eventuality and made a rule against it. And yet somehow never planned for any of the other eventualities like some Jafaar-like maniac getting a hold of it and wishing to rule the world under their iron, but still kind of effeminate, staff. Anyway, I also think unlimited wishes would just be too many choices for me Id be paralyzed with possibilities. Itd be like when I go and try to buy tube socks at the store; why do there need to be fifty brands of these that all advertise some different kind of magic sock-rocking ability? I just want something white that keeps my tootsies warm. Its days like those that I long for the simplicity of Communist Russia. In Communist Russia, socks wear you.

Of course, that still leaves a lot of standard wishes out there for me to chew over. Wealth would be out of the question because theres no way Id be able to explain it to the IRS without looking like some kind of drug baron which, admittedly, would make me kind of cool and give me tons of street cred. But I think once you have to start telling your cell mate about genies and their magic faerie ilk, you are setting yourself up for a few long years in the federal penitentiary. The other standard that I always hear bandied about is world peace, but Ive really gotta say, that seems like wishing for more wishes. Think about it, the genies gotta solve hundreds of conflicts around the world to ensure this, not just one. And I dont want to mess around with the rules and get extras on a technicality, because then when my other wishes come around he might decide to get technical on me. So, for instance, if I wished to be the handsomest dude in the world, hed transport me to some planet full of butt-ugly alien chicks. I dont want him fulfilling my wishes by sticking me with a bunch of green, six-armed broads even Kirk wouldnt have a go with after a fifth of space vodka. But where does that leave me then, with the three big wishes out of the way? Well, Ill tell you:

  1. A Growing Pains Reunion Movie featuring the full cast (including Leonardo DiCaprio) and myself as the long-lost fifth Seaver kid. I mean, think about it if you were the little brother of a legend like Mike Seaver, you would get all kinds of ladies just on name recognition alone. Rolling into John F. Kennedy Junior High with that last name is like a license to print tickets to go directly to second base. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Unless shes gonna pay you. Cause thats the kind of business you can pull if Mike Seavers your older brother. Theyre just gonna assume youre as smooth a cat. Plus, I could totally learn a life lesson at the end about being my own man, and forging my own identity. Itd be a very special episode. Maybe I could even get Boner Stabbones kid brother to be my sidekick.

  2. A trip to the moon. Partially just so I can tell Lance Bass I beat him there. But also because if I take one of those space tourist trips with the Russian equivalent of NASA, I believe that officially makes me a cosmonaut. And that is like three steps above defender of Communist Russia in the boxing ring, so Id have something on Ivan Drago. Finally. Then I could have a glorious return from space and come back to America and push around astronauts. Cause, really, they wouldnt be such hot stuff anymore. Scoring all the chicks every time Im out trying to chat up a lady. And then what, Buzz Aldrin walks in? Forget it, Im out of the picture at that point. I cant compete with that walking on the moon business. Yet. Oh, and after I get to the moon, I am gonna go out and herd some cattle. Cause cowboys are on my list, too. Might as well fight a fire while Im at it.

  3. A DeLorean, fully-modded to look like the car from Back to the Future. And you better believe a working replica of Mr. Fusion better be included. Mind you, this is just to look like the Back to the Future car. I dont really have a desire to go back in time things seem like they were a lot filthier back then. And the future, while it looks fun in some movies, is more often a dystopian nightmare of robots that serve us and act nice but secretly want to kill us, or a future where the robots already have killed us. So, Id rather not take my chances, since my ancient religion insists that movies are projected onto screens by spells cast by powerful witches who know all and see all. No, I just want the DeLorean 'cause then I could constantly drive 88 miles per hour. And when a cop stopped me and asked how fast I was going, I could tell him and wed share a laugh. And then hed just tear that ticket right up, cause hes a big fan and this is a pretty sweet ride, and Id show him all the switches and maybe offer to let him take his girlfriend to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance in it. Then Id peel out and leave a trail of flames behind me. I would totally get places more quickly.

After that, Id hope the genie and I had become best friends, and then hell just stick around and not so much grant wishes as just occasionally use his powers to make my life easier or take me to Disneyland. Cause, I mean, after hes free from his genie duties, he might as well be cool. And, hey, if you know any cool genies, we should hang out. Just post where the genie and I can grab some beers on the message board. I promise I wont get him drunk and try to get him to turn my old girlfriends into goats or anything. Pinkie swear.

All Features