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Nintendo Errata*

Rich Cerow

If you're anything like me, and I think you are since I suspect I am the only person who actually reads this site, and thus you are me and we should combine our clone powers to form Captain Planet. So long as I don't get stuck being "Heart" I am down with ecological lesson-giving. Anyway, since we're the same person, I know that you, like me, have a bunch of old video games lying around just taking up space. But I say, don't chuck those games away! There's still plenty of life to be had in them. Sure, they're not as open-ended as your more modern Grand Theft Autos and whatnot. No, games back then forced you to enter the wonderful world of your imagination to get the most out of them. I mean, otherwise how would you have known that little square was supposed to be a gallant knight on his way to save the princess from that other square over there that was presumably a goblin, or some kind of orc? And there wasn't any kind of story to those games that you didn't read in the instruction books - you just had to imagine what went on between levels, like how you got from a snowy fortress to a fiery one in a scant quarter-second load time (you also had to explain how your dude could wear the same outfit in both and seem perfectly comfortable - those overalls must have been magic). Just like when you were a child, now to fully enjoy these games you must engage your long-dormant imagination. Clear off those unicorn cobwebs and blast away the rainbow dust; the waterwheel of your imagination is about to get the current of a marshmellow river flowing again. All you need is to be like me and come up with some alternate play styles to breathe new life into some old favorites. So,
These kids think it's really fun to trip over every hurdle.
I present to you some video game errata, good for increasing the longevity of some of your old-forgotten favorites. And then do me a favor and offer me some suggestions on our message board so I can find yet another excuse to play through Bionic Commando again.
  • When playing Blades of Steel, keep score of fights and goals, scoring one point for each. It'll really turn up the heat on those intense fighting competitions! Then try not to wish you were playing with an all fat guy team from Ice Hockey.
  • Beat Contra without inputting the 30 lives code and never picking up the spread gun. Then go ahead and take care of the problems in the Middle East, because you are a perfect creation and should be using your powers for the benefit of all mankind and not for beating old Nintendo games.
  • Play through Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles without using Donatello. Good luck beating any bosses with Raphael's sai.
  • Beat all the dudes in your frat house at Tecmo Bowl without using Walter Peyton. I dare you.
  • Use your imagination to make this game look good. For instance, why are there so many patched holes on this water-front wall? Because pirates! attacked, of course.
  • Resist the urge to call Domino's Pizza as you make your way through Yo! Noid. Alternately, force yourself to call Domino's Pizza while playing through that extended Pizza Hut commercial that is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game.
  • DO NOT, at any time, raise a fist in the air and do your best impersonation of a badly-digitized "I'm Bad!" after defeating Karnov in Bad Dudes. Also, don't answer "yes" to the question "Are you bad enough to save President Ronni?"
  • Play any Power Pad game all the way through without eventually getting down on your knees and slapping the pad to make your character run faster. I don't care how hard Cheetah is in World Class Track Meet.
  • For another peripheral-related challenge, play Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! with the Power Glove. I promise you, it will never work at all like it did in the commercials. Don't be surprised if Baron von Kaiser takes you down (even with a severe handicap, anyone can beat Glass Joe). For an additional challenge, make no reference to The Wizard or how "bad" the Power Glove is during this titanic struggle.
  • Right after you've been dumped by the girl of your dreams, play Rad Racer and try no to have hate in your heart for that smug bastard in the Corvette with the hot blonde by his side. For an added challenge, have Hall & Oates' "She's Gone" on repeat in the background.
*Note: If you know what errata is, you are a big nerd and I'd like to hang out with you. Drop me a line.

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