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Dune Buggy

By Drew McEleney

I want a dune buggy. There, I said it. As a kid we all wanted things that were completely outlandish. Little girls wanted ponies or a mother that loved them. Little boys wanted a jet airplane or a commando attack fortress. I am the exception to the rule since then now and forever I want a dune buggy.
Porsche 911 following a Pimp My Ride transformation


You may be asking why a 24 year old living somewhere other than his parent’s basement working a respectable full time job for a respectable company would want a dune buggy. But I put the question to you dear reader - who the hell wouldn’t want a dune buggy?

I mean just consider the myriad benefits of dune buggy ownership:

* Reduced Commute Time: I have to drive 20+ miles to work each day and do it in style. We all know that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line right? I could make the commute in around 15 miles in a dune buggy. Sure I might have to run through some fences or jump some sweet dirt ramps but that’s half the fun. Of course I would equip my new vehicle with some fine 22’s, a nice grille, a roll cage, and a winch so I could extricate myself from any situation.

* Increased Style and Class: Nothing says I’m better than you quite like a dune buggy. These days people are out to buy the biggest, baddest, almost-tank SUVs on the market to tell the world how cool they are. There’s no better way to wipe the smile off a Hummer (R) owner’s face than popping wheelies while circling his car only to jump over a 30 foot cliff into quicksand. Yes, I said it, quicksand. I hear an anti-quicksand option is to come standard on all 2005 models.
I told you so.


* Automatic Carpool Lane Privileges: Since a dune buggy is very energy efficient, it is probably exempt from carpool lane restrictions. This means you can ride right past the chumps sitting in gridlock on the LBJ by kicking it into high gear and riding the fast lane. You don’t even need to find a homeless person to bribe into riding with you so you can legally use the lane! ++

* Misc. Benefits: There are probably lots of dune buggy clubs out there with hot women members. If I can qualify in their next rally I might have a shot with the redhead. We all know I’m a sucker for redheads.

You should avoid getting a dune buggy if you are lame, do not like to have fun, love the style and power of a mini-van, or have a heart condition.

So this year I know where my bonus and tax returns are going - into a no-load mutual fund. I mean dune buggy.

Drew

++Please note that there is no state in America where it is even remotely legal to ride a dune buggy on public roads. If you don’t believe me, try it and send the tape of you getting arrested to drew@xtremewailing.com




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