Newest - Highway to Hell - DREEEEEEW!
In addition to being able to come up with tons and tons of fantastic ideas for
film plots, I am also probably the best casting director you would ever meet. Like
Ben Franklin or Ja Rule, I am a true Renaissance Man (which also happens to be my
favorite period in human history - much better than the Age of Enlightenment - take
that Descartes! Go write an encyclopedia for your mama!). So, today, I thought I'd
share with you some of my great ideas for casting future blockbusters. Since the
Transformers movie is already well under way, I thought I'd take a look at some
other cartoons that somebody should start producing as a live-action feature that
drains all the charm from the franchise right away. All I ask is a co-producer credit
and the opportunity to sit in on one of those infamous "casting couch" sessions when
we're looking for "Girl in Drug Store #4," or possibly "Pajama Partier."
Hilary Duff as Jem: Because Jem is excitement, and if you've seen TRL, H. Duff is
also excitement. Plus, she's blonde like Jem, and she can sing, so she'd nail this part. We could
have a total Jem revival, have the fake band go on tour and whip tween girls into a frenzy. Then if
we could just find a way to turn high-pitched soundwaves into electricity, we could solve the energy
crisis in this country. But who would we get to play her boyfriend with purple hair, Rio (like the
Duran Duran song)? I suggest Ken of Ken & Barbie fame.
Keanu Reeves as Lion-O: Mostly I go with Keanu because that sets him up to reunite with
Laurence Fishburne, who I think everyone can agree would make the perfect Panthra. They'd even get
to maintain that Matrix dynamic, with Panthra the wise old mentor, and Lion-O the powerful new
rookie, destined to lead them all in their fight against the tyranny of Mumra (who will be played by
Sir Ben Kingsley). I'm not sure they'd necessarily want to go through the brutal make-up process a
live-action Thundercats would require of them, but maybe if we gave them their own Swords of
Omens, or even bought them Cats Lairs (the giant, cat-shaped fortress of the Thundercats) on a Hawaiian
island we could convince them to join up.
Bronson Pinchot as Orko: I'm not gonna play, the original Masters of the Universe already
beat me to the punch by scoring the perfect He-Man casting with Dolph "Ivan Drago" Lundgren (who I think we
should put feelers out to in order to see if he wants to become this website's official spokesman - either
him or Jean-Claude Van Damme, but I get the feeling JC might be a bit out of our price range), so I'm gonna
cast my He-Man remakes supporting characters a little more agressively. Bronson Pinchot (Balki from
Perfect Strangers) has totally nailed the annoying, clumsy sidekick vibe before, in Beverly Hills Cop,
so he could ace the part of silly sorcerer Orco, who's also dangerously incompetent. But don't go saying he
also nailed it on PS: Balki was sidekick to no man. Clearly, Cousin Larry was just tagging along on
Balki's adventures, whatever crazy Meepos tradition got them into trouble at work or with those two hot ladies,
Jennifer and Mary Anne, who lived upstairs. I was always more of a Jennifer fan myself, so I guess Cousin
Larry wins out in that department, but still. Balki owned that show.
Well, that's it for now, but I'll be back, I'm sure, when I can't think of anything better that day to
write for this site, and so I end up making a semi-regular feature out of these casting sessions. Let me
know what you think on the
MESSAGE BOARD! or e-mail
firstname.lastname@example.org and I'll be sure and steal your ideas
about who should play the Samurai Pizza Cats in my next big Hollywood pitch meeting.