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Best Movie Ever

Jim Jenista

The other day I tried to envision what the greatest movie ever made would be like. Some obvious elements popped into my head right off the bat: itíll make you laugh and cry, thereís some kind of crazy kung-fu, and instead of computers being cold, remorseless killing machines they love people and save them from disaster. And so Handicapped Robot Ninjas was born.

At first you feel pity for these robot ninjas because they are handicapped. One is missing an arm, one has nothing below the knees and rolls around in a robo-wheelchair, and the third is blind.
But they overcome these disadvantages by relying on each other's strengths, like when Wheelchair can't race away from the oncoming steam roller fast enough and the One-Armed Bandit can't push the dual button safety off switch, so Clumsy has to listen to their shouted directions until he barely manages to win the battle. We find out that handicap robot ninjas are people too, and we laugh and cry as they try to save the world.

This movie is better than Ninja Turtles, and Transformers, and Forest Gump combined. Robots that turn into cars? What ninja move are they going to use, cutting me off in traffic? And the Handicapped Robot Ninjas donít have weaknesses like pizza. They are lovable scamps that have been programmed by their Galactic Master to save Earth denizens of classification ďin distress.Ē (If you got that allusion e-mail me at jim@xtremewailing.com because you are positively awesome.) Not only would this be the greatest movie ever made, it would probably bring the nations of the world together in a common love for ninjas.

As it stands there is no movie studio out there with the necessary skill sets or resources to produce this stunningly accurate depiction of human existence from the viewpoint of robots. I suppose Iíll have to settle for watching the Best Movies Ever in my head. That said Iíll pass on the message of the movie for the good of Antiquity: keep on dreaming. If you work hard enough at some point youíll be in a montage with inspirational music and at the end youíll prevail.


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