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Best Movie Ever
Jim Jenista
The other day I tried to envision what the greatest movie ever made would be like. Some obvious
elements popped into my head right off the bat: it’ll make you laugh and cry, there’s some kind of crazy
kung-fu, and instead of computers being cold, remorseless killing machines they love people and save
them from disaster. And so Handicapped Robot Ninjas was born.
At first you feel pity for these robot ninjas because they are handicapped. One is missing an arm,
one has nothing below the knees and rolls around in a robo-wheelchair, and the third is blind.
But they
overcome these disadvantages by relying on each other's strengths, like when Wheelchair can't race away
from the oncoming steam roller fast enough and the One-Armed Bandit can't push the dual button safety
off switch, so Clumsy has to listen to their shouted directions until he barely manages to win the battle.
We find out that handicap robot ninjas are people too, and we laugh and cry as they try to save the world.
This movie is better than Ninja Turtles, and Transformers, and Forest Gump combined. Robots
that turn into cars? What ninja move are they going to use, cutting me off in traffic? And the Handicapped Robot
Ninjas don’t have weaknesses like pizza. They are lovable scamps that have been programmed by their
Galactic Master to save Earth denizens of classification “in distress.” (If you got that allusion
e-mail me at jim@xtremewailing.com because you are positively
awesome.) Not only would this be the greatest movie ever made, it would probably bring the nations of the
world together in a common love for ninjas.
As it stands there is no movie studio out there with the necessary skill sets or resources to produce
this stunningly accurate depiction of human existence from the viewpoint of robots. I suppose I’ll have
to settle for watching the Best Movies Ever in my head. That said I’ll pass on the message of the movie
for the good of Antiquity: keep on dreaming. If you work hard enough at some point you’ll be in a montage
with inspirational music and at the end you’ll prevail.
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