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Makin' the Game: Mr. Belvedere

Rich Cerow

I think, in the course of posting on this crazy World Wide Web jungle, that I have devoted far too much interspace to giving away many, many multi-billion dollar movie ideas, ideas that would keep me in champagne wishes and caviar dreams for the rest of my life if only studio executives weren't slimy reptiles who are undoubtedly filming Shakin' Loose: The Crazy Party Animal Movie of the Summer right now and not paying me a cent for it. So, I am going to help out another struggling industry today, and hopefully they will have the foresight to pay me by gold doubloon to fill up my money vault that I go swimming in (causing severe head trauma). Being a nerd to the Nth degree (the highest degree, for some reason), I'm turning my brilliance towards the video game industry, where it can be bathed in an intense white light that fires from my brain like a laser beam, incinerating all those who would dare get in
Batman is worth 80,000 dozen Kremes. Stay away from those licenses until you're in the big leagues.
its way. Or maybe that is the last boss of Final Fantasy VIII or something. I don't know, I never played those games - those are for dudes who like dudes who look like chicks. The Japanese have much less rigid gender definitions than we do.

Anyway, licensed games seem like a good way to go, since if people already like a movie or a TV show, then they will be inclined to give your game the benefit of the doubt. But since this site serves a positive social function as deemed by the conditions of my worker-release program, I am offering some advice to the less-fortunate video game companies today. Anybody can make a Batman game and sell boatloads, but if you don't have that kind of money and you still want to use a license, you have to go with someone lesser known for the boost and have a decent game to back it up. I suggest taking my idea for a Mr. Belvedere game and running with it. I am pretty sure you can buy the rights for a week's worth of Krispy Kremes in the conference room. So just do without - you fellas have been looking a little soft around the middle anyway. It probably wouldn't hurt to lay off that glazed goodness for a bit is all I'm saying.
Here Mr. B is thinking about what color sweater vest goes best with tweed on Sundays.

Now, I know you're thinking I'm crazy for suggesting Mr. Belvedere here; I mean, that show's been off the air for, what, 20 years? But let me assure, people still feeling a whole lot of residual fondness for Wesley's rascally antics and the B-man's charmingly sophisticated ways with these middle-class American schlubs. And there's been no DVD release for the fine mid-80s sitcom, so you know Belvedere fans the world over are just salivating for new product. And that's where you step in, making a game with brilliant cut scenes that show a digitzed Lynn Belvedere (and I always found it a little disturbing that he had a lady's name) writing in his journal about the lessons he bestowed on this uncouth American clan that he finds himself growing more and more fond of with each passing adventure. I mean, people are so jonesing for some more of his pearls of wisdom that you wouldn't even need to make those cut scenes in 3D - just show a big hand with a quill pen writing in elaborate calligraphic script (because the English have impeccable handwriting), and a little stuffy voice over, and you would have SNES-era storytelling gold. Of course, if you throw in an extremely pixellated photo of Bob Eucker on the desk next to the journal, the fans would be eternally grateful and probably buy every game Poor Kids' Games ever produced after that.
Somebody's in trouble and needs a spanking!

As for the gameplay itself, I don't know, you could have him jump over hamburgers or something. It seems like in licensed games the gameplay itself doesn't have to make a lot of sense, you just have to get the atmosphere right. So, Wesley's about to get beat up by the school bully because of another one of his smart-aleck remarks, so Lynn's got to race there, and along the way avoid all the self-jumping pogo sticks and slowly twirling in the sky eggplants that populate the dangerous streets of American suburbs. Or maybe Bob Eucker's about to lose his job unless Mr. B gets that report he forgot at home to him on time, but he better watch out for all those falling umbrellas and remote-control cars along the way! Or you could take both of those ideas and just make them individual levels, and then you could have others based on the family members that I don't remember nearly as well, except I think the brother had red hair and kind of looked like the host of Fun House. But, really, once the producers realized the magic of the Mr. Belvedere / Wesley combination, everyone else was just there to make sure Lynn's relationship with young Wesley didn't seem too inappropriate.

All right, I've got plenty of other ideas for games that should be making their way to you any day now. What's next, Perfect Strangers: Balki's Big Adventure? Or WarGames: The Only Way to Win is Not To Play? What other super cheap-o licenses do you suggest I pick up with only the power of my mind and turn into today's hardest-hitting franchises? Hit up the message board or e-mail and let me know. I think my idea for an open-world Dirty Dancing game could be the next Grand Theft Auto.

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