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Paris Hilton: An Army of One

Drew McEleney

I believe I have discovered how America can win the Iraq war, overcome the nuclear standoff with North Korea, and resolve the Israeli-Hezbollah conflict. Send in Paris Hilton.

Okay, I know what you are thinking, how can a 96 pound hotel heiress turned hussy possibly resolve conflicts hundreds of years old that thousands of American troops cannot? Once you understand the unique skill set young Ms. Hilton has to offer you will have no choice but to support my plan of action.

Paris speaks 16 languages including English, Valley-Girl English, Spanish (for communicating with servants), Arabic, Hebrew, Ebonics, Korean and Farsi.

Paris made a pilot episode of a failed series entitled Look Fabulous, Kill Silently and is deadly with a machete. It is also rumored she killed a manicurist with an emery board for looking at her strangely.

Ms. Hilton has leveraged her fortune to purchase cutting-edge surveillance equipment which could be used to hunt down terrorists and other evil-doers. Her personal favorite is night vision video capture devices.

Paris is working with Gucci to develop the first ever flame thrower purse which she may use to gain the element of surprise in Middle East peace talks. Upon testing the weapon Hilton proclaimed ‘that’s hot.’

While filming an episode of The Simple Life with sworn enemy and former Navy Seal Nicole Richie, Paris destroyed a sleeper cell planning to blow up the Mall of America. This incident was cut from the show in the interest of time but is available on the special features sub-menu of the season 2 DVD set.

Paris’ MySpace page lists hobbies including repelling, hand-to-hand-combat, nuclear launch code generation, cardio bar, and black magic arts – all potentially invaluable to a one woman assassin squad.

For these reasons and more (some are too classified to list here) we must use the unique killing machine that is Paris Hilton in all world conflict. This, of course, assumes she is not in Afghanistan killing Osama as I write these words.

Be afraid rest of world - Paris is coming.

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