Newest - Highway to Hell - DREEEEEEW!

A Totally Tubular Advice Column

Rich Cerow
With this week's special guest Jim Jenista as the Fonz

Well, I just came from a post-graduation kegger, having just received my L.D. (libidinous doctoramus). We tore the roof off the sucka, Ill tell you what, but now its time to get down to business. Now, as those of you who have read some of my previous posts know, I was an amateur amorous adventurer, as well as a master of assonance; however, with this new sheepskin, I can now officially become a professional love advice columnist. Now, in my private practice, I am often asked, Hey, hey, Dr. C,what do you really know about helping me out with all the honies? Dy-no.mite! (this example assumes my current patient is Jimmy J.J. Walker). Let me assure you, I am well-versed in all forms of wangology, numerous forms of feeling-freakyisms, and other much more technical jargon that would assuredly fly over the heads of all of you in the audience who didnt attend a 12-hour home VHS course in the paradigm of human relations. Now available on DVD, only 3 easy installments of $19.95. My specialty was, of course, looking-fly-for all-the-shorties-ometry. But lets dive right in here with the inaugural edition of the Dr. Richard Cerow, L.D., J.D., O.P.P., esq., Radicalize Your Love Life While Learning Italian the Easy Way advice column.

Our first question comes from Kathy in Butte, Montana. She writes:
Hang in there, Kathy. I wouldn't complain about having a boyfriend.

Dear Love Doctor, My boyfriend is a terrible kisser but I don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him. What should I do?

Kathy, Im glad you came to me, because there is a myth Id like to dispel. Kissing is just not that important. Frankly, its unsanitary. Not only that, but if you had performed various studies like I have, youd realize that the ones makeoutitude and their wealth/fancy car index are actually inversely proportional. For instance, Bill Gates is the absolute worst kisser in the world. When he kisses women, their faces actually melt off like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. And not in the good, shredding guitar solo face-melting way. So, you should actually consider yourself quite lucky. Your boyfriend will more likely than not be wildly successful, and if you just learn to tolerate his dog-slobber quality kisses, you should be able to ride his coattails to wealth beyond your wildest dreams. At least until he drops you for a younger, prettier model. Hopefully hes rich enough at that point that the settlement and the alimony will be enough to let you live comfortably for the rest of your life. Ultimately, my advice to you is suffer in silence until the court proceedings, then threaten to publicly embarrass him with this information so that you get a good out-of-court settlement.

Next up, we have a romantic query from Tommy in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. He writes:
Tommy--wear a hat. The ladies love that.

Love Doctor, Lately I've been in a slump with the ladies. Can you recommend any moves to help me revitalize my game?

This is probably the most common question I receive, and I can understand why. When Im seen on the streets or in some of the many photographs that adorn my office walls in the back of a limos hot tub, surrounded by three or four buxom playmates named Heather, most men want to know how to attain the kind of lifestyle to which Ive become accustomed. Luckily, I have some simple advice which will solve all your problems with meeting ladies: you need to begin wearing a top hat and monocle. Carrying a cane is optional. You see, most women, at a very young age, have a mental impression of Mr. Peanut impressed upon them, and, unwillingly, this becomes the template for what they will view as desirable and successful in a man. Now, obviously most of us will never be as wealthy or handsome as Mr. Peanut, but all you need to do is create the illusion that you are by adopting some of his aesthetic qualities. The mind is a primitive organism, and these unconscious processes are usually only of a very cursory and superficial nature. And thus it is very easy to fool the lovejonesetreton, the center of the brain that decides whether or not someone else is, to use the vernacular, H-O-T-T, hot, hot, hot. Having that limo with the hot tub in the back doesnt hurt either, though.

Well, that all the time we have this week. I need to get to the back nine here, followed by a brisk game of backgammon. If you are one of the hideously deformed trolls who has so much trouble getting dates that you need to write in to an internet dating advice column, please feel free to e-mail rich@xtremewailing.com. And please include a picture that I can post on my other website, www.peoplewhoshouldeitherliveunderabridgeorringthebellsinaFrenchcathedral.org.


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