Newest - Highway to Hell - DREEEEEEW!
A Totally Tubular Advice Column
With this week's special guest Jim Jenista as “the Fonz”
Well, I just came from a post-graduation kegger, having just received my L.D. (libidinous doctoramus).
We tore the roof off the sucka, I’ll tell you what, but now it’s time to get down to business. Now, as those of
you who have read some of my previous posts know, I was an amateur amorous adventurer, as well as a master of
assonance; however, with this new sheepskin, I can now officially become a professional love advice columnist.
Now, in my private practice, I am often asked, “Hey, hey, Dr. C,what do you really know about helping me out with
all the honies? Dy-no.mite!” (this example assumes my current patient is Jimmy “J.J.” Walker). Let me assure you,
I am well-versed in all forms of wangology, numerous forms of feeling-freakyisms, and other much more technical
jargon that would assuredly fly over the heads of all of you in the audience who didn’t attend a 12-hour home VHS
course in the paradigm of human relations. Now available on DVD, only 3 easy installments of $19.95. My specialty
was, of course, looking-fly-for all-the-shorties-ometry. But let’s dive right in here with the inaugural edition
of the Dr. Richard Cerow, L.D., J.D., O.P.P., esq., Radicalize Your Love Life While Learning Italian the Easy Way
Our first question comes from Kathy in Butte, Montana. She writes:
Hang in there, Kathy. I wouldn't complain about having a boyfriend.
Dear Love Doctor,
My boyfriend is a terrible kisser but I don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him. What should I do?
Kathy, I’m glad you came to me, because there is a myth I’d like to dispel. Kissing is just not that
important. Frankly, it’s unsanitary. Not only that, but if you had performed various studies like I have,
you’d realize that the one’s makeoutitude and their wealth/fancy car index are actually inversely proportional.
For instance, Bill Gates is the absolute worst kisser in the world. When he kisses women, their faces actually
melt off like the Nazis’ at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. And not in the good, shredding guitar
solo face-melting way. So, you should actually consider yourself quite lucky. Your boyfriend will more likely
than not be wildly successful, and if you just learn to tolerate his dog-slobber quality kisses, you should be
able to ride his coattails to wealth beyond your wildest dreams. At least until he drops you for a younger,
prettier model. Hopefully he’s rich enough at that point that the settlement and the alimony will be enough to
let you live comfortably for the rest of your life. Ultimately, my advice to you is suffer in silence until the
court proceedings, then threaten to publicly embarrass him with this information so that you get a good out-of-court
Next up, we have a romantic query from Tommy in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. He writes:
Tommy--wear a hat. The ladies love that.
Lately I've been in a slump with the ladies. Can you recommend any moves to help me revitalize my game?
This is probably the most common question I receive, and I can understand why. When I’m seen on the streets
or in some of the many photographs that adorn my office walls in the back of a limo’s hot tub, surrounded by
three or four buxom playmates named Heather, most men want to know how to attain the kind of lifestyle to which
I’ve become accustomed. Luckily, I have some simple advice which will solve all your problems with meeting ladies:
you need to begin wearing a top hat and monocle. Carrying a cane is optional. You see, most women, at a very young
age, have a mental impression of Mr. Peanut impressed upon them, and, unwillingly, this becomes the template for
what they will view as desirable and successful in a man. Now, obviously most of us will never be as wealthy or
handsome as Mr. Peanut, but all you need to do is create the illusion that you are by adopting some of his aesthetic
qualities. The mind is a primitive organism, and these unconscious processes are usually only of a very cursory
and superficial nature. And thus it is very easy to fool the lovejonesetreton, the center of the brain that decides
whether or not someone else is, to use the vernacular, “H-O-T-T, hot, hot, hot.” Having that limo with the hot tub
in the back doesn’t hurt either, though.
Well, that all the time we have this week. I need to get to the back nine here, followed by a brisk game of
backgammon. If you are one of the hideously deformed trolls who has so much trouble getting dates that you need
to write in to an internet dating advice column, please feel free to e-mail
email@example.com. And please
include a picture that I can post on my other website,