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90 Second Movie Review: Madagascar
The penguins in the new hit kids’ movie Madagascar are evil, and this got me
thinking (besides why pick on the penguins. They got it bad enough living in Antarctica and all),
that the Penguin from Batman is a pretty good villain. I mean, sure, he’s not very skilled, and he
doesn’t have any super-powers,
but I like the fact that he puts on that top hat, tails, and monocle
every day and looks in the mirror and says “I need to look good while I rob this bank.” I mean,
he’s classing it up, sending a good message to all the other denizens of Gotham City’s underworld:
Just because you have an elaborate scheme to poison the city’s water supply doesn’t give you the right
to be a slob. He affords his victims the courtesy of at least dressing sharp while plundering the
Federal Reserve. Besides, who knows when there’s going to be a good-looking lady teller at the bank
you’re robbing. I mean, she already knows you’re rich, so you’re halfway there right? If you just
look devilishly handsome while doing it, she’s all yours. Which is what makes the Penguin a criminal
mastermind, with his own henchmen and everything. Planning for every eventuality like that. Sure,
Batman seems to catch him every time, but I bet when he’s driving around in his Bentley bought with
his ill-gotten gain, he’s got some buxom beauty named Mandy by his side. Of course, he’s not a very
attractive man, so I guess he needs to work a little harder like that, and yeah, when he’s in a
fistfight with Batman, he does seem kind of overdressed, but, you know, that’s another example of why
you should be dressed up like that when you leave the house. Cause when the Daily Planet comes by to
snap your photo for the front page while you’re being hauled off to jail (while Batman, a violent
vigilante, is just allowed to prowl the streets), you can at least look the best the circumstances
will allow. That cigarette holder’s a nice touch, too.
This scene features Vanilla Ice performing The Jungle Fever Remix.
What your girlfriend will think of you if you take her to see Madagascar:
That you’ve been wondering what David Schwimmer’s been up to since Friends went off the air.
Which is kind of weird, that you’re even concerned. Because, really, we all thought he was easily the
weakest link on that show, and were glad to see him go. Not like that delightful Matt LeBlanc, who I
think should make more movies. Like Ed. That’s the one where an orangutan plays professional
baseball. You should take your girlfriend to see that, after starting a letter-writing campaign that
ultimately results in its director’s cut theatrical re-release. You better get to work.
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