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90 Second Movie Review: House of Wax

Rich Cerow

House of Wax, the other, probably way less popular movie starring Paris Hilton, is opening soon, and watching the trailer in which the whole town has been turned to wax got me thinking: I need a wax dummy of myself. There are a number of good, wholesome reasons for this. First of all, I could put it in my chair at work and then curl up under my desk and take a nap. Judging by this movie trailer, wax figures look good enough to fool everyone, so I think it’s a good plan.
These are the life-like wax statues they used during filming. Black wax is apparently hard to come by.
A wax dummy of myself would also come in handy when I’m driving. I could just plop that sucker in the passenger seat and cruise in style in the carpool lane. Sometimes I feel like the carpool lane is designed to make me feel unpopular. Not only does that guy have a bunch of people probably going to a kegger in his car, but he gets to zip by the rest of us losers. It’s almost like you’re being rewarded for something that is already in itself a reward. And I just know they’re all laughing at me while I’m stuck in traffic behind somebody with a Starfleet Academy window sticker. But a wax dummy of myself would solve that problem. I’d create the illusion of popularity which, as we all know, would eventually lead to actual popularity. Third, I’d finally get to test whether identical twins really feely each other’s pain, like Tomax and Xamot on G.I. Joe. You know, like if I cut my wax twins face, would a scar appear on mine? If so, I could finally get that dragon-shaped scar on my neck I’ve always wanted. Finally, if the power ever went out, I’d have the coolest candle ever. And, after a few blackouts, I’d get to see what I’m going to look like after the nuclear war erupts that leads to the Rise of the Machines.

What your girlfriend will think of you if you take her to see House of Wax: Well, she’ll probably think that you’re just trying to be all sly, taking her to a scary movie so she has to cuddle up against you and everything. Which is a pretty good trick, you cad. But then when Paris Hilton’s name appears on screen, you’ll have to explain to her that you just want to compare her performance in this to some of her, ahem, “low-budget, indie” stuff, you know, before she went all Hollywood. When it was about the art. Personally, though, I think she’ll shine as a wax dummy. Also, when I eventually see this movie, I really hope the snarky guy who will die first due to his own hubris makes a “wax on, wax off” joke.

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