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90 Second Movie Review: Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous

Rich Cerow

So, at the beginning of the trailer for the latest Sandra Bullock train wreck, we see Sandy (that’s what us close chums call her) assigned a bodyguard, a saucy black lady who sasses her at every turn. Now, the trailer ruined the surprise, because it shows them become friends and a team no matter what by the end of things (probably when they’re just about to go in and confront the boss of this movie. Did you ever notice how action movies are set up like video games? There’s always a second-in-command who’s pretty tough that you need to take out right before you face off against the final boss.
Apparently you can't enter a Fabulous contest unless you're 21.
Oh, and when you fight the final boss, you have to throw your gun away and fight to death in hand-to-hand combat. Because you want to take care of this yourself. And then, when you’ve got the dude who killed your son hanging off the ledge of a building, you show mercy, so that when you do kill him after he turns on you right after you saved his life, it’s only in self-defense and our hero gets to retain his nobility and high moral standing but still gets exactly what he wants, revenge. That is a totally badass way to end a movie), and I wanted to see these seeming adversaries, who absolutely cannot stand each other, slowly become friends and begin to rely on one another. Despite their differences. In fact, they will learn to appreciate their diversity. And I’m sure they’ll have all these differences, but they’ll start bonding over something small they have in common, like they’ll be in the middle of a fight, and then the pizza will arrive and Sandra Bullock will say something like “You like anchovies, too? I thought I was the only one.” And this little spark of understanding will slowly burn until it’s a blazing forest fire of compassion. Or something like that.

What your girlfriend will think of you if you take her to see Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous: That you are armed and/or fabulous. I recommend being both when you go to the theater. You know how out of control those rabid Speed 2: Cruise Control fanatics can get. Oh, and you know they thought of the subtitles for Speed 2 and Miss Congeniality 2 before they even wrote the scripts. Somebody just handed the writer those titles and told them to run with it. Also, cruise control would totally have come in handy on that bus in the first Speed. Although, I don’t think boats have it.

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