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90 Second Movie Review: Rambo

Rich Cerow

Rambo fights his way through the Southeast Asia Ridiculous Gambling Inter-Species Fighting Championship (SARGISFC). Here, he’s seen training for Tuesday’s big match against a carp.
During the course of the trailer for Rambo, we see scenes of a Southeast Asian man fighting a cobra (the snake, not a trooper from the ruthless terrorist organization bent on world domination) in some kind of sports arena while onlookers shout and wave their money, because they are apparently gambling on this man versus beast showdown (my prediction: man wins short-term, cobra wins long-term). I’m not really sure why movies feel the need to depict Southeast Asian peoples as being so degenerate that they are willing to gamble on anything, including kind of nonsensical combat, and that the only way they can indicate their thrills they associate with gambling on four-year-olds playing some kind of twisted version of water polo that features maces and toasters dangling just over the pool is by shaking money in the air incessantly. But I think more importantly, this man versus cobra fight is really just trying to inculcate us for future Rambos where "killing’s as easy as breathing" (a line from the trailer) for Rambo, and so he needs to take on greater challenges by bare-knuckle brawling with members of the animal kingdom. And his being stronger than a gorilla will just be those movies’ way of telling us about how a man designed only for killing can do nothing else, and no matter how much you try to fight it, you can’t escape your nature (or in this case, nature, when you are in a steel cage match with an alligator). Bears can only push a man so far...until he has to push back. Rambo: Human Nature. This summer, he’s global warming’s greatest ally in the war on eco-terror.

What your girlfriend will think of you if you take her to see Rambo: That you’re a man that struggles with his own personal demons and fights against his nature. And chicks would normally be into that, so I’d recommend taking your lady to Rambo, except that in your case you are an unstoppable Eggo waffle-killing machine, and it’s that kind of specificity which ruins your mystery. Although, if someone made a movie about you it could have an awesome tag line like "They leggo’d his Eggo...for the last time" or "It’s morning in America, and one man doesn’t waffle on terrorism" or "One man dared to dream...of a balanced breakfast full of sveen essential vitamins and minerals. Featuring Harold Ramis as Eggo Spengler." I’m assuming these Hollywood insiders are taking some liberties with your story.

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