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90 Second Movie Review: Transformers

Rich Cerow

Optimus Prime, you might have the wrong convention.
It's confession time: I was never the world's biggest Transformers fan. On my playground, there was clearly a line in the sand (which was an excellent trading card series based on the Gulf War by the way - people in the early 90's had all kinds of good taste) between those in the G.I. Joe camp and those in the Transformers camp. Being a sadistic child, I always wanted to imagine that my action figures bled more than oil, so G.I. Joe was the way to go if you wanted to envision horrible maimings and not just robots who might need their rotator cuff replaced every 75,000 space-miles. I mean, really, where is the threat in a Transformers movie? If you blow Hot Rod (who better become Rodimus Prime in this movie) apart, can't you just make a quick run to Good Guys and pick up some new limbs for him? Anyway, being a child of the 80's and despite my strong anti-Autobot stance (the Decepticons always had cooler transformations, not being tethered to turning into a car and all), I'm pretty excited to see this big-budget Transformers movie, but I feel I need to make a suggestion - it needs a totally inspirational song on the soundtrack like "The Touch" by Stan Bush, which should probably have a montage set to it, like after Megatron puts a whupping to Optimus Prime, and he's gotta pick himself up and dust himself off and get back to training for their big rematch. Actually, I'd really prefer if they just used "The Touch," because that song makes me feel as though I can fly on eagle's wings and keep on fighting the good fight and realize my dreams! But undoubtedly we'll wind up with a Slipknot song with aggressive, industrial drums on it to express Soundwave's mechanized fury, instead of a life-affirming power ballad that everybody can enjoy. And I'm sure that the Transformers soundtrack will sell big on the back of a song that nobody will be able to tell apart from that totally anonymous hit song from The Punisher movie a couple of years ago. Besides, I'm sure Stan Bush could use the work.

What your girlfriend will think of you if you take her to see Transformers: That you've got the touch... which is the only way I can explain how you managed to get your girlfriend to go to the Transformers movie. Everybody knows Transformers is a boys' cartoon; I could understand if she came with you to a big-budget My Little Pony remake (starring Dakota Fanning!), but, eeewww, only icky boys like Transformers. Note: Seriously, some serious nerds will be at this opening night, and they will be icky.

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