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90 Second Movie Review: “Herbie: Fully Loaded”

Rich Cerow
I take it from the title Herbie: Fully Loaded that this car has been drinking.

Well, this is the second of these little pups, and I figured I’d just go ahead and establish a theme here: children’s movies are hilarious. They’re so thoroughly market-tested and have so little respect for their audiences that they inevitably just take the absolute dreck of our culture and slap it up there on the screen for all to see. Case in point: Herbie: Fully Loaded. For those out of the loop (and where have you been?), Herbie is a car that’s alive, and plays pranks on people to win races to raise the money to save an orphanage or a teen dance center or something like that, all while stopping the evil businessman/race car driver who’s attempting to shut it down to build either a mall or a parking lot or a mall parking lot. Evil corporate guys are always gonna bulldoze an animal shelter to build more parking spaces, cause they’re so evil and ridiculously wealthy that they’ve got a bunch of cars, I guess. You would think Herbie would want more parking spaces built so he and his automobile brethren could stretch out and relax and not be all crammed together, but no, he and plucky heroine Lindsay Lohan need to save that orphanage cause it was her grandfather’s dying wish to save the orphanage she inherited (but couldn’t make the mortgage payments on, so the bank is threatening to foreclose, but the bank never takes the blame here, it’s always that one insanely evil dude trying to buy out the mortgage. I guess kids have trouble identifying faceless conglomerates and financial institutions as evil and their persecutors. They need somebody with a mustache). I’m sure they triumph over mustachioed dude at the end. I’m not sure if Herbie talks or not.

What your girlfriend will think of you if you take her to see Herbie: Fully Loaded: Probably that you have a “thing” for Lindsay Lohan. Cause otherwise I cannot imagine you wanting to see this. There’s just no way it can live up to that dynamic description of the plot I just provided you with. And you know it.

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