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90 Second Movie Review: Eragon

Rich Cerow


No! Don't kill my dragon lover or I will shoot this computer-generated blue energy arrow at your heart, Mario!
In the trailer for Eragon (and the movie, too, I presume), a boy finds a baby dragon in the wood, nurses it and developes a bond with it, and then must fight to protect his new best friend when it grows up and powerful forces want to wrest control of this deadly beast and use it for their own nefarious purposes. Ultimately, the boy will have to learn a lesson about letting his drgaon grow up and move on, and that they'll always hold a special place in each other's hearts. You know, it's E.T.. Between all the bad medieval hairstyles, though it did get me thinking about what I would do if my best friend was a dragon. First, I'd hope he wasn't a lame invisible cartoon dragon along the lines of Pete's Dragon. But if he was cool and scaly and breathed fire and terrified all the bullies who picked on me at school, then me and my dragon could have all kinds of fun together. I'd run on the beach, and he'd chase the kite that was trailing me. Or I'd teach him to play Dungeons and Dragons (he'd be a level-4 Cleric with a Mace of Righteousness, which grants him +1 against the undead) just because it'd be hilarious for him to slay imaginary dragons. And we'd probably have to get a specially-made saddle so I could ride him to school. And then I could have him hide behind a corner, and I could call the bullies jerks or sissies, and then run away, and when they give chase, they'd stop dead in their tracks when they see me standing in front of my dragon with smoke curling from his nostrils. And I'd try to sneak him in to sleep in the bed with me, but my mom would see a big giant lump and a tail sticking out the bottom, and he'd have to go outside and sleep in the backyard. But it's okay, because he's so tall that I just open the window and at least his head could rest on the pillow next to me. Seriously, we need to get on finding me a dragon, pronto. I have way too many bullies and lonely days in my life; I need a best friend who will protect me. And then when the government comes calling to experiment on him, I'll sell him for a million dollars and retire in the Caymans. I mean, seriously, what am I going to do as a grown man with a dragon?

What your girlfriend will think of you if you take her to see Eragon: Seriously, dude, you play D&D if you are seeing this movie. No way are you bringing a girl. Besides, girls won't watch movies about dragons, because dragons are cool and breathe fire and tear your enemies asunder. And chicks are way against tearing enemies asunder with jagged teeth; they'd rather do it with words. The words that fly like daggers through my heart, and tear me to pieces worse than any dragon's claws. Girl, I miss you, girl. I didn't want to lose you. You burnt me like you had fire breath, and now I'm all alone and I'm a mess. Girl, you're the dragon I need to slay, so I can keep on, making my way. Girl.

Damn, this is turning into an R&B song. Somebody get Boys II Men in my studio, imediamente.


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