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90 Second Movie Review: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Rich Cerow


Halloween's almost upon us, so I'd like to take this horror movie review opportunity to let all you out there roaming the wilderness of the World Wide Web to keep your eyes peeled for some ghoulishly delightful changes to the site in anticipation of the holiday. We'll be posting Halloween- and horror-themed articles all during the week leading up to october 31st, so be prepared to have a spook-tacular time. And now, on with the non-review:
Watch out for that stool behind you!! It's upside-down!

Right off the bat, this trailer loses me by referring to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre as a "legend." Has it really acheived legendary status already? I mean, Legend, with the unicorns and goblins and Tom Cruise un-ironically playing a fairy, that was a legend. Sleepy Hollow, they've got a legend. But TTCM? That is an urban legend at best, but probably better categorized as a myth, one not quite on par with the myth of the mighty pegasus. But anyway, marketing is designed to overblow your expectations, so you will go in thinking that perhaps Leatherface in this installment will have his wax wings melt when he flies too close to the sun, and be disappointed when all it is is another run through a grimy house with four desperately stupid teenagers, and some sweet virginal girl will be the only one to make it out alive at the end. Anyway, what I find more pressing with this film, is what did masked, nigh-unkillable supernatural villains do before the invention of the chainsaw? What did your Jasons and Leatherfaces of our forefathers' day have to use to loudly announce their presence to their impending victims and gruesomely disembowel them with? Back in the day, did little, much more poorly constructed Chucky dolls have to haul around a cotton gin, or a steam-powered lawnmower engine just to get some proper hacking done? I feel like that would have been quite the burden on that adorable little doll. Even Jason would have trouble lugging that around. I guess what I'm saying is that all those guys are lucky they were born in the 20th century. Technology sure makes their jobs easier - I mean, can you imagine having to use a handsaw to commit some of those murders? The victims would get bored halfway through dying. It'd be like performing an autopsy in Victorian England. Not to mention that back in the day, people were much more polite and formal. It probably wasn't as fun to kill those staid, uptight folks who would offer you tea and crumpets when you came over to cannibalize them, and made sure they put on their Sunday best while you gouged their eyes out (after, of course, removing their monocles). Of course, I guess it's not as good today as it will be in the future, either, when they've got laser saws and machetes attached to holograms of beautiful women (to lure all the horny camp counselors to your spinning blades of death).

What your girlfriend will think of you if you take her to see Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning: She is probably not thinking much other than "I wish I wasn't hogtied up in the back of this van with the painting of an Iron Maiden album cover on the side of it." But maybe she also thinks "Why did this guy stop and go see a movie while I'm tied up back here?" And that's just poor serial killer planning, giving her opportunities to escape like that. You're getting sloppy - I've seen it a million times. In the beginning, everything was well planned, you knew where to dump the bodies, but now...these are just snatch and grabs. The FBI's gonna have a big party when they haul you out of that theatre with popcorn butter dripping off your fingers and that girl can identify you in court.


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