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90 Second Movie Review: School for Scoundrels

Rich Cerow

Anything at point-blank range is funny.

Yeah, COLLEGE! Okay, that's not what this movie is really about at all (from what I can tell, Jon Heder is playing a full-grown man in this), but it sure looks like a dorm when he's walking around knocking on doors. But I guess that girl just lives in Creaky Old Ivy-Covered Manor Estates. Anyway, if you're going to put the word "school" in your title, I expect to be fully-inundated with beer bonging, panty raids, and lengthy camera shots of some girl who gets her shirt accidentally ripped off through some series of comic mishaps, which then gets the hero labelled a pervert and the girls from the fat sorority chasing him down. He will, of course, end up running past the dean (who's had it in for him since day one when he accidentally groped the dean's wife at the Freshman DISorientation '06) and give him a casual "Good morning, Dean Chockenstein (you can guess what hilarious nickname all the kids have for him)" as he runs for his life. The dean will be flabbergasted and look at him as he runs away, and not notice the stampeding herd which is running right towards him, so he gets trampled underfoot. That crusty old dean better yell "BORGENSTEEEERN! Mark my words, I'll have you expelled for this!" as he looks up from the pavement and shakes his fist. Really, what good is a movie about college without numerous panty raids, gratuitous topless shots, and lots of crazy partying and made-up drinking games that seem way too complicated to actually play when you're drunk? That's not a college movie at all, and that's why School for Scoundrels gets a D-, because I am now arbitrarily introducing a grading system into these reviews to make them seem more professional. It's calculated through a formula: Number of beers shotgunned on camera / Number of authority figures pantsed at a very important alumni event + the square root of total sorority kittens who come to realize nerds "do it" better = Awesome. So, basically what I'm saying is, go rent Revenge of the Nerds instead of seeing this.

What your girlfriend will think of you if you go take her to see School for Scoundrels: That you're trying to start a band, and you think Scoundrel would make a good name for it, or maybe The Scoundrels, so you're doing a little research. You play a dirty, LA Guns / Faster Pussycat version of late 80s glam metal, and you all have a shared lifelong dream of riding in a white limousine with a hot tub in the back, surrounded by four busty Penthouse Pets who are ready, willing, and able to "do the nasty." I think you guys should title your first album Lick the Beast or Sex Kittens of Satan. Either way, definitely have an awesome fantasy painting on there with girls in loincloth bikinis trying to make love to a dragon that would look great painted on the side of my van. I call it "The Love Machine" because of the mattress I've got in the back. Any of you girls want to check it out sometime?

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