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90 Second Movie Review: Flicka
Little girls love horses, and that's all well and good. They'll probably go see Flicka and
live out all their equine fantasies and it will be heartwarming and teach everyone a valuable lesson
about friendship and believing in a horse and yourself even when no one else does. I don't love horses,
though - every time I see a horse, I want to put it in Doc Brown's DeLorean (or a trailer hitched thereto)
and send it back to 1845 were it belongs. Horses seem way to anachronistic to me; they are a totally
outdated mode of transportation, and they should have disappeared when cars came along. You don't see
anybody just riding one of those giant wheel in the front bikes anymore, do you? So why would anyone want
to ride a horse at all? And, for that matter, cars are kicking so many horses' asses, why do we even
judge engines by "horsepower" anymore? Just to embarass the horses? I mean, have you ever seen 400 horse
pulling a sled before? Maybe if it's Santa trying to get presents to all the children in the world on
time on Christmas Eve, but other than that, not even a Rockefeller or Vanderbilt had the kind of money
to have a train of horses that long pulling him to-and-fro. Seriously, other farm animals are still useful
and necessary, plus they don't have some kind of romanticism attached to them (except Wilbur the pig from
Charlotte's Web) that let horses get away with being the lazy scuttlebutts of the animal kingdom.
Also, I'd like to express my disdain for horsetrack betting - why is this totally legal everywhere in the
US, but I can't get a good game of craps outside of Vegas? And the "sport of kings?" Have you seen the
people hanging around the track on a Wednesday afternoon, hoping Christmas Herring comes in so they can
get the heat turned back on?
Makes a Big Wheel tricycle look like a Micro Machine.
What your girlfriend will think of you if you take her to see Flicka: That you're working
on your own antiquated mode of transport, and are going to the movies to get some good ideas, like a tank
powered by puppies running on a treadmill. Might I suggest a bicycle attached to a hot air ballon that your
pedaling stokes a fire to push steam up into the balloon to keep you afloat. I also recommend attaching
gliders to the side, in case you get tired you can float down to safety. Of course, this is the perfect
device to enter into a race around the world in, so long as you are wearing a leather flying cap and goggles,
and have a flowing white scarf flapping around your neck. Chiseled jaw optional.
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