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90 Second Movie Review: Flicka

Rich Cerow

Makes a Big Wheel tricycle look like a Micro Machine.
Little girls love horses, and that's all well and good. They'll probably go see Flicka and live out all their equine fantasies and it will be heartwarming and teach everyone a valuable lesson about friendship and believing in a horse and yourself even when no one else does. I don't love horses, though - every time I see a horse, I want to put it in Doc Brown's DeLorean (or a trailer hitched thereto) and send it back to 1845 were it belongs. Horses seem way to anachronistic to me; they are a totally outdated mode of transportation, and they should have disappeared when cars came along. You don't see anybody just riding one of those giant wheel in the front bikes anymore, do you? So why would anyone want to ride a horse at all? And, for that matter, cars are kicking so many horses' asses, why do we even judge engines by "horsepower" anymore? Just to embarass the horses? I mean, have you ever seen 400 horse pulling a sled before? Maybe if it's Santa trying to get presents to all the children in the world on time on Christmas Eve, but other than that, not even a Rockefeller or Vanderbilt had the kind of money to have a train of horses that long pulling him to-and-fro. Seriously, other farm animals are still useful and necessary, plus they don't have some kind of romanticism attached to them (except Wilbur the pig from Charlotte's Web) that let horses get away with being the lazy scuttlebutts of the animal kingdom. Also, I'd like to express my disdain for horsetrack betting - why is this totally legal everywhere in the US, but I can't get a good game of craps outside of Vegas? And the "sport of kings?" Have you seen the people hanging around the track on a Wednesday afternoon, hoping Christmas Herring comes in so they can get the heat turned back on?

What your girlfriend will think of you if you take her to see Flicka: That you're working on your own antiquated mode of transport, and are going to the movies to get some good ideas, like a tank powered by puppies running on a treadmill. Might I suggest a bicycle attached to a hot air ballon that your pedaling stokes a fire to push steam up into the balloon to keep you afloat. I also recommend attaching gliders to the side, in case you get tired you can float down to safety. Of course, this is the perfect device to enter into a race around the world in, so long as you are wearing a leather flying cap and goggles, and have a flowing white scarf flapping around your neck. Chiseled jaw optional.

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