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90 Second Movie Review: Rocky Balboa

Rich Cerow

Just one of 3,000,000 punches in the final round.
I know that in every Rocky movie, Rocky has to be some ridiculous underdog. But really, does he still need to be using the ancient gym equipment? I get it, that's all he had in the first movie, but isn't being a sexagenarian a big enough handicap in this fight? Does he really need to get in his time machine and go back to the 1920's to train to fight a guy a third of his age? Things are tough enough; Rocky must have made some money being the literal champion of the world and an American hero for so long, you'd think he could afford a heavy bag ($74.95 from Everlast), which would actual probably be cheaper than a slab of beef the size of the one he works out with (you have to wrestle a dinosaur for it). I mean, given the training montage (which should be set to the music of Peter Cetera) he goes through in this trailer, I'm expecting Rocky to have to fight Charles Atlas after rescuing the Lindbergh baby, while Amelia Earhart listens to the fight on her in-flight radio as she soars into the Bermuda Triangle. Her enthusiasm at Rocky's victory causes her to lose control of her biplane, crashing into the sea never to be seen again, where she is rescued by a dashing merman, and they live together forever under the sea in the lost city of Atlantis. Every Rocky fight should be broadcast on newsreel, with one of those booming old-timey radio announcer voices calling the action, right between advertisements for war bonds and dental powder. Then you could settle in and see the latest from screen siren Marlene Dietrich. Who's Rocky got lined up for his next fight? The Marquis of Queensbury? A caveman? Seriously, can we give Rocky some barbells so he doesn't have to lift piles of books tied to the ends of a broomstick, please? I feel like he's working out in some kind of Teddy Roosevelt / Ernest hemingway masculine-fantasy land. I mean, I was never a multi-millionare, but I can still go to Sport Authority and get some free weights, Rocky. Get your act together.

What your girlfriend will think of you if you take her to see Rocky Balboa: That you're still awaiting a true sequel to Rocky III, in which Rocky faces off in a battle royale against "Captain" Lou Albano (who, now that I think about it, I feel betrayed by, since those quotation marks in his name imply that he wasn't a real captain at all, which is too bad because I was hoping he would preside over my wedding on a naval vessel), Bam Bam Bigelow, The Road Warriors, and Ted "The Million Dollar Man" DiBiase. Thunderlips and Clubber Lang were just the warm-up for an all-out royal rumble against five of the World Wrestling Federation's greatest! This Sunday at Three Rivers Stadium! Be there!

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